


A Convenient Marriage

by RachaelGold



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reference to Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 04:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14686694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachaelGold/pseuds/RachaelGold
Summary: Chakotay asks Kathryn to marry him to give him the legal right to remain in the Federation, but foolishly continues to date Seven. When he realises how much he has stuffed up, it seems too late to regain Kathryn's regard.Setting: Post-Endgame





	1. Chapter 1

"You're telling me you've done what?" Gretchen screeched at her daughter in the kitchen of her house in Indiana. 

Kathryn and Chakotay stood side by side, leaning back against the kitchen table like a pair of naughty schoolchildren and smarting under this particular version of the familiar Janeway glare. 

"We got married, mom," said Kathryn. 

"And you didn't invite me to the wedding? None of your friends or family there?" 

"We wanted it low key." 

"Low key?" came the angry retort. "I've waited forty-five years for my elder daughter to tie the knot, and she doesn't even let me know! You just sneak off without a word to anyone!" 

"Sorry, mom. We didn't realise you'd be so upset about it." 

"If you like, we could celebrate tonight. We'll take you and the family out to dinner so we can get to know one another," said Chakotay, offering his most charming dimpled smile. 

Kathryn elbowed him in warning. She didn't think it was a good idea to do anything too celebratory. It was too late though. The elder Janeway was already warming to the idea. 

"Can I bring a few friends along too?" 

"They'd be more than welcome." 

The steam seemed to diffuse out of Gretchen. She allowed a small concessionary smile. "Well…I suppose that could be rather pleasant. Don't think I'm letting you off the hook, though. You'll have to give me a blow by blow account. How and when did he propose? Or have you two been planning this for ages. I want the details…all of them." 

"No, we haven't been planning this for ages. He only asked me two days ago…but what he said was kind of private," Kathryn hedged. She did want to tell her mother how Chakotay had come to her, desperate. The memory, not particularly pleasant, of his proposal stuck in her mind. He'd apologised for putting her in this position, told her she was the one person he could ask, then asked her to marry him to save him from being deported. 

Seven, whom he was still dating, had yet to have her Federation citizenship confirmed, and therefore could not convey on him the legal right to stay. The debriefings were now over, and his temporary permit would expire the next day. If he stayed beyond that, the Immigration Department would come and put him on a transit for Dorvan within hours. 

No, he'd come to her in desperation, explained his predicament. And then he'd begged her to marry him. It had been nothing like the proposal she'd hoped for, and there was no way she was going to describe it truthfully to her mother. 

"We just slipped off to Risa and got married," she finished. 

Gretchen sniffed. Was her daughter being deliberately evasive? She was well of the opinion that something didn't quite add up. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but her daughter was not as ecstatic as she would have expected. "Without a word to anyone?" 

"That's how we wanted it." 

"You're not pregnant are you?" asked Gretchen half concerned, half hopeful. 

"No, nothing like that," responded Kathryn, horrified at this suggestion. 

"Hmm. Well…you don't want to be wasting much more time on that one….you haven't many years left on the clock… I've waited long enough for you to make me a grandmother." 

"Mother!" Kathryn chastised. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. This is embarrassing." 

"Me? Embarrass you? Nonsense, I'm just showing genuine motherly concern." She smiled at Chakotay, wiped her hands on her apron, and extended her hand in greeting. "I suppose I should welcome you to the family." 

Chakotay ignored the hand and took Gretchen into a hug instead. "Thank you." 

Gretchen was clearly pleased with this. She drew back with a smile and then excused herself to go call all the necessary guests and invite them to the evening's celebrations. Phoebe, Kathryn's sister, was first on the list. 

"This is very awkward," said Kathryn, when she and Chakotay were alone. "I should tell her the truth." 

"No. We agreed. The Immigration Office may visit her. This has to seem genuine. If they get wind of this as a sham, they'll deport me straight to Dorvan." 

Kathryn sighed. She knew this was no idle threat. His home planet was teeming with Cardassians, and among them a significant faction itching to get their hands on the ex-Maquis and torture him to death. He had made some terrible enemies in his time as an outlaw, and they were already aware that someone was watching Chakotay's sister, Sekaya, very closely for any sign of her brother's return. No, she hadn't hesitated for long when he'd asked her to marry him to give him a legitimate claim to stay on Earth. She loved him dearly, and she couldn't bear the thought of him being sent away, most probably to his death. 

The authorities had had no compassion when it came to his request for asylum, not least because officially the Cardassians were no longer regarded as hostile. On paper, they were allies now. Chakotay, on the other hand, had been a wanted criminal. That still resonated with the officious bureaucrats at both Starfleet and the Immigration Department, despite that the charges had been dropped owing to the heroic nature of his exploits in the Delta Quadrant. His plea for asylum had been turned down, without leave to appeal, and he'd been hours from deportation, when he and Kathryn had rushed to Risa to legalise his status in a short impromptu ceremony. 

"I hate deceiving her. And Phoebe too," said Kathryn. "Is this really necessary? 

"It's not for long. A few months at most. As soon as Seven's official status is granted, we can get divorced and then Seven and I can get married." 

Kathryn swallowed the bile that threatened. "It's a pity she wasn't born within the Federation…it would have simplified matters." If only, she thought to herself. Then she wouldn't have been put through the terrible torture of being married to the man she loved and it not being real. It was a marriage in name only, but to all outward appearances had to look genuine. So naturally he'd moved into her apartment…a luxurious two floor affair overlooking the Bay. "Chakotay, I think it will take over a year to resolve fully," she finished. 

Chakotay looked down guiltily. He was afraid she was right. "I know and I'm sorry," he said, as if being married to each other was intolerable. "Thank you for doing this for me. I know I've put you in an awkward position with your friends and family." 

Kathryn thought grimly that he done a lot worse than that. He'd probably never realise it. "Stop apologising. This isn't your fault. I couldn't bear to let the Cardassians get their hands on you." 

He gave her a small smile of appreciation. "You're too good for me." 

"Too right, I am! I suppose we have to endure the family cross-examination. We'll have to put on a good act…look happy," she continued, with a sigh of resignation. 

His smile broadened, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "I can do that," he said, whispering seductively close to her ear. "Easy. I have a very deep affection for you." 

"You do?" she said eagerly. 

"Of course. I care about you very much. We've been dear friends for a very long time now, and I think that counts for something." 

The brief light disappeared from her eyes as she realised he was talking about friendship and nothing more. She quickly shrugged him off her like some irritating insect, startling him in the process. 

She stepped towards the door, ostensibly to follow her mother, but really to distance herself from the awkward moment that had just passed between them before she made a fool of herself and burst into tears. 

Chakotay was puzzled. "I'm sorry…I didn't realise a hug was inappropriate." 

"It's not. But we're on our own in here, so there is no need to _pretend_ ," she threw back, huffily stressing the last word, and then disappeared through the door. Chakotay would realise months later that he missed a trick there. He'd had chance to call her on what was really going on in her mind, and he hadn't taken it. An exchange of just a few words, and he might have found out that she didn't want to pretend to be married to him at all. She wanted to be married to him in every sense of the word. 

The family came over, and they all went to a local hostelry for a lavish meal and flowing wine, before returning late to the house. The celebration turned out to be a bright happy occasion for all except Kathryn, although outwardly she played the happy newlywed to perfection. She hated every moment, hated the deception, hated enduring the false hugs and chaste kisses he placed on her cheek. Above all, she hated that this wasn't real. 

All the relatives and family friends were easily charmed by the stranger who had joined the family. Chakotay soon had them eating out of his hand. Aunt Martha quickly dropped the crusty old matriarch act, and Phoebe was positively bubbling with enthusiasm for her new brother-in-law. She had already been aware of just what her sister felt for Chakotay and thought him a perfect partner for her. It was only Gretchen who remained on her guard with him. Deep down, she remained, without any tangible good reason, suspicious of him. 

For most of the company the lie was easy to swallow. Kathryn and Chakotay had an easy familiarity, born of a long standing friendship. They knew each other inside out. They even knew many secrets about each other. They could almost read each other's thoughts at times. They had been so in tune with each other that Kathryn wondered how Chakotay could not see what this was doing to her. 

Late into the night, the guests departed. Kathryn and Chakotay left for her apartment. Her mother had asked them to stay over, but thankfully it did not appear unreasonable that the honeymooners should want to be alone. Kathryn couldn't countenance staying and being expected to sleep in the same room as her so-called husband. Chakotay thought he wouldn't have minded a bit. After all, they were really close friends, who'd lived in very close proximity on a number of occasions. If he'd thought about it, he was probably just a little disappointed that Kathryn was so adverse to the idea and insisted they went home. 

* * *

  


They hadn't bargained on the media furore that would surround their marriage. The initial circus of parades and interviews following their return had died down, yet as soon as the press had gotten wind of the wedding, they had camped outside Kathryn's apartment building trying to coax them into an interview or to pose for zillions of pictures, if they so much as dared to show their faces. Avoiding the cameras became an intricate chess game. They refused any comments where at all possible, and tried to look a happy married couple whenever in public. It was all very galling to Kathryn, and Chakotay was forever apologetic. He could see that this was putting a terrible amount of stress on her, but he never once thought that it was his behaviour that was at the heart of it. 

Of necessity, Seven kept well away for the first few weeks, but eventually she had need to see Chakotay. She came over to their apartment several times a week to start with, and Kathryn had to make herself scarce. As time went by and they sensed some diminishing of the intense media interest, Seven's visits increased in frequency and length. Kathryn found it very difficult to watch the evolution of this relationship from such close quarters. She knew that Chakotay had slept with Seven prior to their marriage, and she was pretty sure that relations had been resumed. It was something she didn't particularly like to contemplate. 

There were three visits from the Immigration Department. They appeared very suspicious of the genuine status of the marriage. It perhaps did not help that there were only a couple of unremarkable holoimages of the wedding, although recent pictures posted in the media seemed to lend the marriage more credence. Nor did Chakotay's failed application for asylum help matters. 

The officials inspected the flat, noting that Chakotay's clothes were in Kathryn's bedroom…they'd had the wisdom to prepare for that particular pitfall. Kathryn had slept every night with a pair of male pyjama bottoms under the adjacent pillow. They weren't actually Chakotay's. He apparently preferred to sleep naked. 

However, it didn't escape the notice of the inspectors that the second bedroom had been in regular use, and that had taken a lot of creative explanation. On one occasion they found Seven there, and quizzed her too. Of course, the young woman was well aware of the necessity to maintain the façade with these people, and evidently her answers had satisfied them, at least for the moment. 

Weeks went by, and life slipped into some easy détente. Kathryn would work long hours, Chakotay, now to all intents and purposes a legal resident, was able to find lecturing work at a prestigious academy. In the evenings and weekends, he did much of the cooking and helped with some redecorating. They met crew and friends for various social functions, they faced the press as and when unavoidable. They'd go out for long walks, and enjoy leisurely gourmet meals together. They'd spend long hours debating and analysing, laughing and teasing late into the night. Often they were reluctant to turn in and withdraw from the wonderful companionship. Just as had often happened on board Voyager. 

Seven would come most weekends and sometimes during the week too. She was being kept busy by Starfleet, and fortunately wanted to spend time with her Aunt in Sweden too. Gretchen sometimes visited, some vague wariness still showing in her behaviour. She gave Chakotay a warning not to hurt her daughter, which Chakotay acknowledged with a hint of guilty conscience. Phoebe came, sometimes with her husband and boys, and those days would be filled with friendly laughter. 

Chakotay did not realise just how content he had become. It was only later that he could see that he was using Seven to satisfy his physical needs, and Kathryn to satisfy his need for intelligent conversation and companionship. His conversations with Seven never sparkled nor stimulated in the way that his discussions with Kathryn did. Seven's opinions were very predictable, pedantic, unsophisticated and sometimes just plain annoying. Her social skills remained undeveloped and unpromising. She was in many ways like an overgrown child, desperate for constant reassurance. She had little understanding of the subtleties of human interaction and an irritating need to over-analyse trivial matters. In the bedroom, she was more entertaining and learning fast. After seven lean years in the Delta Quadrant, it perhaps was not surprising that he was easy to please. It never occurred to him, that Kathryn might completely outclass Seven in that department too. That Kathryn might be a far more creative, energetic and enthusiastic lover. That Kathryn was altogether a far more sensual and exciting woman, possessing far superior skills. It never occurred to him that she might for a moment consider sharing those skills with him. He did not think that sort of relationship was in any way on offer. He'd long since settled for just friendship with her, and that she might want anything more was far from his mind now. He hadn't thought of her in a sexual way for years. He'd schooled himself not to think that way on Voyager, and it was a hard habit to break. 

It never occurred to him that there was anything wrong with this arrangement. Both women had known how the land lay right from the beginning. He'd been straight up with Kathryn in telling her that he would divorce her and marry Seven as soon as it was feasible. And Seven had understood his predicament too. It had all been born of necessity. It occasionally crossed his mind that he had scuppered Kathryn's chances of forming her own relationship for at least the foreseeable future, and that did worry him a little. But overall, he was really rather too content with life as it was at the moment. 

It never occurred to him that he was being very unfair on Kathryn by rubbing her nose in his relationship with Seven. As his closest friend, he assumed she would be completely comfortable with whatever made him happy. He had no real conception of the true nature of her feelings, and he didn't do anything to try to find out. One day in the not too distant future, he would curse his own stupidity. 

And it never occurred to him that he was stoking the furnace of some potentially explosive time-bomb. 


	2. Chapter 2

No, it never occurred to him that he was stoking the furnace of some potentially explosive time-bomb. 

His first inkling was one day when Seven had been visiting. She had been there a long time, and he'd tried to persuade her to stay the night. He told her he was sure Kathryn would give her permission to stay, if they asked. Seven, perhaps with slightly more sensibility towards Kathryn's feelings, decided this was not a good idea. Besides, she had to get back to regenerate, so he walked her to the transporter station. 

When he came back, he realised how very late it was, which disappointed him slightly. Kathryn would already be in bed, and there would be no late night amiable conversation over a glass of wine. He entered the apartment to find the lounge in semi-darkness, but sensed immediately a physical presence in the room. He took a few steps warily and finally glimpsed her sitting ram-rod straight in one of the chairs, fingers laced in her lap. 

"Chakotay, can I make one thing quite clear," she said, in tone that chilled him effortlessly. In all of the seven years they'd been together in the Delta Quadrant, he'd never heard it before, but it made him realise how easily she could subdue any upstart errant crewman who crossed her path. "I will not have my home used as a brothel." 

"Kathryn…I'm sorry…I…" he started, taking a moment to collect himself. "I was with Seven, for spirit's sake….the woman I'm going to marry. In the privacy of my own room. I'd hardly call that licentious behaviour." 

"Even so, this is my home and I do not appreciate spending my afternoon listening to the two of you having sex. And, I might remind you, you are technically married to me." 

"You know it's only a temporary arrangement, and you know I've been seeing her. I thought you understood." 

"I am well aware of that. But I expect you to give me some consideration after the sacrifice I have made for you. You will not engage in sexual activity in my home in future. And Seven is not to stay the night. I heard you discussing it, so don't deny you were considering asking me if she could stay." 

"She had to get back to regenerate…" 

"Thank goodness for small mercies." 

"Look, I apologise if we've upset you in any way. We'll try to be quieter in future." 

"No. You will make other arrangements if you wish to be intimate." 

"Well, where are we to go, then? It will certainly look suspicious if I spend time at her apartment or sneak off to a hotel. At least when she comes here it does not surprise anyone. They all think she's coming to see you rather than me." 

"Chakotay, she can still come for short periods. I do not have a problem with that. It's perfectly reasonable for her to visit…both of us. But you will restrict your activities while she is here. I do not wish to have my home turned into your personal knocking shop. What you decide to do is your problem. I have no wish to know of your arrangements, but my only request is that you keep it discrete." 

Chakotay drew a deep breath. He was rather taken aback by her rather prudish attitude. "Of course, if that is what you wish. I promise we'll be discrete." 

"Thank-you." 

Pleasant conversation was clearly not the order of the evening, so he simply wished her, "Well, good night." 

"Good night." As he turned for the stairs to the upper level, he could almost hear an imagined _'Dismissed'_ after her words. 

So he and Seven had to modify their arrangements. He wasn't very thrilled about it, but he had to accept it. Seven was of the opinion that Kathryn was clearly jealous, but he dismissed that as ridiculous. Kathryn Janeway was and never had been interested in that kind of relationship with him. As his close friend, he didn't think she'd have a problem with his being otherwise attached...unless she didn't happen to like the person he was dating. 

The end result was that he spent more time away from the marital home. He had to hope the inspectors wouldn't come again in a hurry. 

But that time-bomb was ticking away, and now Seven was intruding herself so much into the equation, it was not going to be long before Kathryn would start to crack. 

* * *

  


Kathryn opened the door and felt her spirits lift as B'Elanna breezed past her, laden with Miral. 

"What a surprise!" said her delighted ex-Captain. "What brings you here? Chakotay's away…" 

"Yes, I know. I spoke to him yesterday. Actually, it's you I came to see. I thought you might need cheering up. You must be missing him." 

"I guess," said Kathryn, non-commitally. She pushed through into the kitchen. "Can I get you a drink?" 

"A Klingon ale wouldn't go amiss." Kathryn raised an eyebrow, but simply extracted one from the replicator, before ordering a glass of wine for herself. "How long has he gone for?" 

"I don't know…three weeks maybe." Kathryn began to realise her engineer friend was studying her rather closely. 

"Three weeks?" said B'Elanna, in a tone of incredulity. "Isn't that a bit unreasonable when you've been married for such a short time?" 

"It couldn't be helped." 

"I don't believe it. He can't be on any important mission. How's he got time off work?" 

"He's on taken on an explorative project on Senius Prime…an archaeological dig…" 

"An archaeological dig? Why on earth would he want to dig up a load of old bones when he could be enjoying an extended honeymoon? And if he really had to go, why didn't he take you with him? You haven't had a proper honeymoon, have you?" 

"I've been too busy!" 

"Too busy? Too busy to spend time with your husband?" 

"You know how it is…" said Kathryn, walking past B'Elanna to take a seat in the lounge, and hoping like hell that she couldn't hear the hitch in her voice. "Starfleet is a hard taskmaster." 

B'Elanna came through and sat opposite her, chatting for a while to her daughter, who was anxious to escape her mother's clutches and explore her surroundings. 

"You're owed vast amounts of leave. I thought the debriefings finished ages ago." 

"Officially they did, but there's still terraquads of data to go through…" 

"Still, you could have told them where to stick it…" 

"You can let her down. I'm sure she can't come to any harm," said Kathryn, grinning at the wriggling infant. 

B'Elanna smiled gratefully, releasing a delighted Miral to the floor. "I'm sure she can't…but some of your ornaments may…" 

"I'll move them out of the way," said Kathryn, jumping up and glad of the diversion. She began moving a number of breakable items from the floor to a high shelf. "Miral sure has grown!" 

"Doesn't my back know it. Ten teeth now!" 

"Ten?" 

"Uh-huh." Kathryn fiddled unnecessarily with a few images on the mantelpiece. "You don't want to be putting any fingers too near her mouth.!" 

"I'll bear that in mind." 

"So are you going to tell me what's wrong with you and Chakotay?" 

Kathryn froze. "Nothing's wrong with me and Chakotay," she said as steadily as she could. 

"Targshit," said B'Elanna firmly. "You're doing your best not to look at me, and your hand is shaking. I've seen you more relaxed facing down the Borg." 

"It's nothing…I'm tired that's all." 

"Well, why's he gone away then? Have you two had a row or something?" 

"No, nothing like that." 

"Well, it must be something. We all thought that once you two finally got it together, no-one would be able to prise you out of the bedroom for six months…" 

There was a slight sniff, and B'El knew she been too harsh. She jumped up behind her former Captain, and rested her hand on her shoulder. "Tell me," she said gently. "Tell me what's wrong." 

Kathryn turned her watery eyes to her friend, and knew she couldn't pretend any longer. 

"We're not sleeping together. It's not that sort of marriage." 

"Not that sort of marriage? What the hell sort of marriage is it then?" 

Kathryn hesitated for a moment. She shouldn't be divulging all this, but she knew she'd already said too much. "It's all a sham. I married him so he could get a residency permit. It's all a sham, B'Elanna, so that he wouldn't fall into the hands of the Cardassians. They were going to deport him back to the former DMZ…and it's crawling with… 

"Cardassians!" said B'Elanna barely able to take in this astounding information. "So you've never.." 

"No. Never." 

"And whose stupid idea was this?" 

"His. He asked me if I would please marry him, so he wouldn't be deported." 

"The prize idiot… Doesn't he know how much you love him?" 

"Obviously not." 

"The son of a targ!!! He must be blind. Everyone knows how you feel about each other." 

"Well, I think they're under some illusion there." 

"Oh…Kayless." 

"What?" 

"He's spending time with Seven isn't he…that's why he's cleared off under the pretence of some ridiculous archaeological dig?" 

"Yes," said Kathryn miserably. "I got a bit pissy about him seeing her under my roof." 

"Quite rightly. You poor thing," said B'Elanna, taking Kathryn into her arms. "Bloody hell, I'm going to kill him." 

"As soon as she is granted her own official residency, he's going to divorce me and marry her." 

"The son of a targ…" 

"You have to keep this quiet. You can't tell anyone, not even Tom. Chakotay's life is at stake. He's got a lot of enemies out there." 

B'Elanna drew a deep breath. She knew only too well. "It's alright. I understand. But don't think for a minute that I won't take him to task, if I get the chance. And I don't mince my words." 

Kathryn smiled a little. "No, you don't." 

"You know, you should have made some demands of your own, if he was so desperate to marry you…" 

"Oh?" 

"Like insisting on decent fuck every night. A small price to pay for your taking him on as a husband!" 

Kathryn smiled at the thought. "He'd have run a mile." 

"No, he wouldn't. You'd have frozen him to the spot, but there was no way he'd have been able to resist. He'd have leapt on you in seconds." 

"Pity I didn't think of it at the time." 

"You missed a trick there. Those damned inspectors wouldn't have a leg to stand on." 

"That's true." 

"And I'd bet anything you like that one night with you and you'd have blown his mind. You'd have had him begging you for more. All thoughts of Seven would have been erased...permanently. She wouldn't have stood a chance." 


	3. Chapter 3

In the event, Chakotay and Seven did not stay the full three weeks on Senius Prime. Chakotay tired of it all quite quickly. The artefacts were not enough to excite him on this otherwise rather dull planet, and Seven did not exactly derive much pleasure from watching him sift through dusty soil for much of the day. They both got rather too bored rather too easily and turned up back on earth after ten days, to resume what for them counted as normal existence. 

Gretchen visited Kathryn's apartment one afternoon when she was alone, and took the opportunity to question her daughter's happiness. Kathryn evaded the issue for some time without succeeding in convincing her mother one jot. Her mother was as tenacious as she was. 

"What is it? What's wrong?" Gretchen persisted. 

"Nothing's wrong. Why don't you believe me?" 

"Because I never heard such a lot of nonsense in my life. You may have disappeared from my life for seven years, but I still know when my baby's hurting." 

Kathryn looked at her mother as calmly as she could, but the tears welled up of their own volition. Gretchen took her daughter in her arms and listened as her daughter spilt the whole sordid story. 

Gretchen was livid. "The bare-faced liar. He promised me he wouldn't hurt you." 

"He doesn't know. He can't see what this is doing to me…" 

"Well, I'm going to put him straight…" 

"No, please don't. This is my problem. I'm a forty-five year old woman, and I don't need my mother running my love life! Besides, it isn't going to help if you take him to task. If this gets out, they'll deport him…they may even charge me for deception. I couldn't bear it, if he was deported and ended up in Cardassian hands." 

"Even so, he's using you. Taking advantage of your generous nature. This is your time, darling. You've just got back from seven horrendous years of exile, and your life has been on hold for the duration. You should be living life to the full, meeting new men...people…not wasting your time with that selfish piece of Maquis filth." 

"Mother, please don't talk about him like that. He stood by my side throughout those awful seven years, and I don't think I'd have made it through without him." 

"So you owe him? Is that it?" 

"Maybe." 

"You don't owe him your happiness. Your future, maybe even your chance of a family. You should tell him how you feel. He owes you that." 

"It's too late." 

"Too late for the two of you to work this through, maybe. But not too late for him to treat you with a bit more consideration." 

"No, mom. But please let me handle this. Just be there to catch me when this all blows up." 

"You know I will," said Gretchen, taking her daughter in her arms. 

Even so, Kathryn had to argue pretty persuasively to stop her mother from taking any action, either in turning Chakotay in or having serious words with him. 

In the event, the next time Gretchen saw Chakotay, her eyes showed an even more open hostility. 

"Chakotay, you promised me you wouldn't hurt Kathryn!" she told him quietly. 

"It's the furthest thing from my mind, Mrs. Janeway." 

"Then you are blind. I think you should take a good look at your wife and ask yourself if she is happy." 

"What do you mean?" 

"She's hurting...that's all I'm saying...and if you were half a man you'd see it." 

"She seems fine to me." 

"Appearances can be deceptive. The thing is: do you care enough about her to do anything about it?" 

"She's my wife. Of course I care about her." 

"Do you?" 

"Yes." 

"Don't lie to me. She's told me the true nature of your marriage." 

Chakotay was flabbergasted. And angry. So, instead of using this as a spur to uncover the truth of Kathryn's pain, he berated her for letting the cat out of the bag, if only with her mother. He saw this as the slippery slope towards discovery. 

"Kathryn, your mom knows," he stated bluntly to his wife later. 

"Yes, I know." 

"She gave me quite an earful." 

"I'm sorry. She can be rather formidable at times." 

"What were you thinking? How could you?" he blustered angrily. "Have you so little regard for my safety? We had an agreement. To make this work, _everyone_ , all our friends and family had to believe this is genuine." 

"I'm sorry. I couldn't lie to her anymore. She isn't stupid. She could see something wasn't right." 

"Kathryn, you were out of line. Did you never stop to think where this might end up? What if she goes to the authorities? What if she turns me in? Or spreads the rumour…" 

"She won't. She promised. She knows I could be charged with deception too." 

"Are you sure? Because if you're wrong, I could be on the next transport to Dorvan. Just think Kathryn. Just think what'll happen to me…think what it would do to Seven." 

Kathryn dropped her head at the mention of Seven's name. "Don't try emotional blackmail on me. I already know what it would mean. And so does my mother. Let this go. I can't undo it." 

"Well, I want you to tell her straight. She must keep this to herself, or my life will be put in danger. Seven's happiness will be…" 

"Seven's happiness?" 

"Yes." 

"And no-one else's?" 

"Well, mine too. Yours, maybe," he added lamely. 

Kathryn glared at him unable to grasp his lack of awareness. She used to think of him as a talented man. What had turned him into such a bumbling idiot? The answer she supposed was the attention of a voluptuous blonde, nearly half his age. 

"Well, forgive me, Chakotay," she answered, shaking her head with disbelief, "This has never been just about Seven! I deserve some consideration here!" 

He deflated a little at this. "Well, of course you do. But you have to realise that there's a lot at stake here." 

"I know exactly what's at stake. And my mother has a pretty good idea too. She isn't stupid. Look, there's no disguising that she has a very low opinion of you. I doubt she'd do anything for you at all. But she'll do it for me. You have to believe it." 

Some of the fire left Chakotay's eyes. "Okay. I'll take your word for it. But this has to stop here. No-one else must find out." A faint guilty flicker crossed her face. "Kathryn? Somebody else knows, don't they?" he asked, angry again. "Don't they?" 

"Yes." 

"Who?" 

"B'Elanna." 

At that he exploded all over again, citing that the entire crew must surely know by now. He didn't stop to think that B'Elanna cared enough for him to keep his secret safe too, or that maybe Kathryn desperately needed someone to confide in. 

Hours later, much calmer, he would finally ask her what Gretchen meant by saying she was hurting. 

Kathryn looked at him disdainfully. "You talked the way you did to me earlier, and you wonder if I am hurting?" she asked him, but left the room before he could follow up on it. 

The following morning, he asked her over breakfast, "We have to talk about this." 

"No, we don't," she said firmly. 

"Why not?" 

Kathryn slapped the newspadd she had been cursorily reading down onto the table. "Quite enough was said last night, and as far as I am concerned that is the end of the conversation." 

"I don't think we got to the bottom of what's going on." 

"And we're not going to, thank heavens." 

"I think it's important that we talk." 

"The way we talked to each other last night? I don't think so." 

"Alright, I apologise. I rarely lose my temper, but I did get a bit overwrought last night, I admit. We can discuss this calmly now." 

"Chakotay, I don't have to discuss a damn thing with you, if I don't want to!" she said, rising from the table. "After all, we aren't properly married, are we?" 

The next few weeks involved them avoiding each other as much as possible, and their few conversations were somewhat fractious. Chakotay's sense of contentment evaporated. When things weren't right between him and Kathryn, then things weren't right between him and the universe. It had always been that way. He hated it when the two of them weren't getting along, and he missed her company like crazy. The pay-off of spending more time with Seven didn't seem to be compensating for this. 

He realised now that Kathryn was deeply resenting the position he'd put her in, but he didn't know what on earth he could do about it. He wanted to smooth the waters, but it never quite seemed to work the way he planned. They always seemed to end up arguing. He still failed spectacularly to guess the reason for her irritability, although if he'd ever had a conversation with B'Elanna she might have put him straight. As it happened, B'Elanna, Tom and Miral were off-planet for a while, so the conversation never happened. 

But it also seemed that both Gretchen and B'Elanna had kept their promises, because there were no visits from the Immigration Department. 

* * *

  


One afternoon, a few weeks later, Kathryn went home unexpectedly early from work. As soon as the door slid open, she knew they were both there. She could hear their laughter coming from Chakotay's bedroom. 

She stole upstairs and stood outside the door to his room, seriously tempted to storm in on them and give them a piece of her mind. They were clearly enjoying some post-coital companionship. 

In the end, she resisted. Instead, she called, "Chakotay? Could you come out here please?" 

She went back down to the lounge and waited, tamping down the anger which threatened. Chakotay came down, wrapped in a robe and red-faced with embarrassment. 

"Kathryn, I'm sorry…" 

"I thought I'd made myself perfectly clear." 

"You did. But I didn't think you'd be home for hours." 

"So, in other words, you thought you could get away with it, because I wouldn't find out." 

"That's the gist of it. I'm sorry." 

"Sorry doesn't quite cut it. When I said you weren't to have intimate relations in my home, I meant you weren't to have intimate relations in my home…period. I didn't mean just when I'm likely to find out about it. I meant never. By the way I can smell what's been going on. It lingers, Chakotay." 

"Yes, I apologise. It won't happen again." 

"You're darned right it won't." 

"We were celebrating. You should be pleased." 

"Celebrating?" 

"Yes. Seven's citizenship's come through. You won't have to put up with me much longer. I can organize a divorce and marry Seven…and be out of your hair permanently soon." She looked at him blankly, masking the pain she felt. "It's good news." 

Kathryn thought it very far from good news, but as she hated the way things were at the moment, she guessed she ought to feel relieved. Except she didn't. She just felt a mounting anger at his failure to consider her feelings. 

"Good news?" 

"Yes." 

"That's the very last thing I'd call it." 

"I expected you to be pleased." 

"That's just it. You assume too much where I'm concerned. You are far too insensitive to my feelings." 

"Would you care to explain that?" 

"No, I wouldn't. I'm not remotely in the mood for a heart to heart." 

"Later then." 

"More like never." 

"Kathryn, please…" 

"Chakotay, get that trollop out of my house and don't come back in a hurry. I want my house to myself." 

"Okay, okay," he said, backing away. "We'll leave you in peace." 

He headed quickly up to his room to get dressed, and hurried a very disconcerted Seven out of the apartment. He took her out for a celebratory dinner. He was in such a foul mood that he didn't care if anyone spotted them together. However, he couldn't claim to have enjoyed the meal much either. 

Much later, he started to worry. He wondered what kind of reception he'd get when he got back to Kathryn's. She was clearly very unhappy about something...probably had been for some time, and he had to get to the bottom of it. He was going to have to prise it out of her. Maybe she couldn't stand having to share her home any longer, and he would have to move out. He returned very late, full of trepidation and hoping she'd still be up. He didn't want to put that particular conversation off till the morning. 

But the apartment was in darkness and horribly empty. 

As he called up some light in the lounge, he noticed a note on the coffee table. 

He picked it up and read it. The contents were something of reality gut punch to him. 

_Chakotay,_

_Please understand I wish you and Seven every happiness, and I have never in any way wished to sour your joy. God knows I have tried to hide it, but you cannot fail to have noticed how very unhappy I have been over the last few weeks. Watching your relationship with Seven blossom from such close quarters has been intolerable for me, and I don't think I can take this anymore. You see the truth is: I love you, I always have. I know I gave you a different impression when we were on Voyager. It was what I had to do as your Captain, and I couldn't let you sacrifice your present for a future that might not happen._

_But now that future has arrived, and I know you are going to make her the happiest woman in the world. She will have everything I ever dreamed of for when we got home, and it's breaking my heart. I apologise if this puts a damper on your celebrations, but I didn't think I could leave without telling you why. Maybe I should have been more honest with you a long time ago. You wanted an explanation. Here it is. I guess I was always mystified why you couldn't see something so massive right under your nose, but I imagine you'll have your own soul to search on that one._

_I've taken indefinite leave from Starfleet and am leaving for Vulcan. It's the best thing for all three of us, if I extricate myself from this destructive domestic triangle. Now Seven has her citizenship, I don't imagine my absence will cause you too much problem. You can tell everyone we're getting a divorce and you're marrying Seven. I will make sure Tuvok is always aware of my whereabouts, and you can send any divorce documents to him. I will sign them without hesitation, unless you try to make me out as the guilty party in all this. I'm sure you can find some grounds acceptable to all concerned. (Non-consummation, for instance.) I'm expecting you to do all the donkey work. I don't wish to sully my hands any further with this._

_My home is yours for the time-being. Feel free to use it as you wish. You will be relieved to know that I am unlikely to walk in on you fornicating again. I have no intention of returning until you have vacated the premises. Please let me know when you have left, so that I know it is safe to return. I expect you to remove all trace of your residency. I would like my home back the way it was before you moved in. Apart from that, please leave me alone. I do not wish you to contact me._

_There is precious little else to say. I will always be grateful for everything you did for me as my First Officer and my friend throughout our time in the Delta Quadrant. I wish I was strong enough to stay and cheerfully see you and Seven married, but I know that to be an impossibility. I could not bear it, so please don't ask it of me. Please believe me, when I tell you that I sincerely wish for happiness for both of you._

_Your friend, Kathryn._

Chakotay stayed up all night staring at the paper. He wasn't sure what to make of it. Did she really love him? The thought that maybe she did, and that he'd trampled like an elephant all over her feelings was making him nauseous. 

* * *

  


The next day he told Seven Kathryn had gone. He didn't show her the text of the letter, but he was a bit perplexed to find that Seven, for all her naivety, seemed to have been aware all along as to what had been the root of Kathryn's problems. He wondered how it had never come up in their conversations before. Seven couldn't understand how he didn't know. After all, she informed him, the entire crew had known how the Captain felt about him. 

The truth was really brought home by a stormy conversation with B'Elanna, whose pent up displeasure with him spilled out colourfully. He was left reeling with shock, and more than ever convicted of his own failings throughout the whole affair. He was soon riddled with guilt over his treatment of Kathryn. 

So for three days he went about with Seven, who was bubbling over with excitement at their new-found freedom to be together. He, however, was becoming increasingly depressed, although trying hard not to show it. And every time she tried to get intimate with him, he found himself unable to respond. 

Finally, on the third evening, they were sitting together in the quiet of Kathryn's living room. Seven was prattling on, as she often did, about her plans for the wedding. 

"I think I will have blue for my theme. I will ask Naomi Wildman and my two second cousins to be bridesmaids. Do you think Icheb would give me away? Is he old enough do you think? Would the Doctor be offended?" 

"Seven, we're a long way from this. My lawyer says it may still take months to take care of all the technicalities." 

"There is no substitute for being well-prepared. My research suggests that many weddings are planned well over a year in advance…." She droned on, and Chakotay realised with a jolt that she hadn't said a single thing that interested him. In fact, she was boring him to tears and had been for weeks. He was missing Kathryn beyond description. Heart-sick would have been a good description for how he felt right now. It finally hit him that no matter how youthful, how beautiful, how intriguing, Seven could never replace Kathryn Janeway. She could never even come close. 

He had been behaving like a fool, like some man in the grip of a mid-life crisis. He had had his head turned by an extremely superficial relationship, and not recognised the truth that was right in front of him. As a result, he had allowed a wedge to be driven between him and his soul-mate. And then he had done the unthinkable and let Kathryn Janeway slip out of his life. 

He realised suddenly that if Seven had walked out of his life, he wouldn't have been particularly upset. But Kathryn walking out of his life had left a large and irreparable hole. It felt as if part of him had been ripped out. It was time to act. 

His voice was low and quiet when he finally spoke. "This won't do, Seven. I have to go after her." 

"She is a perfectly capable human being, adept at coping in difficult situations. She does not need your help." 

"That isn't what I meant." 

"Then what did you mean?" 

"You…me. It's not going to work anymore. We're not well-suited. I'm being very unfair on you and I'm being very unfair on Kathryn." 

Seven's eyes widened in surprise, but she kept her voice calm. "Please explain." 

"Seven, you are a wonderful, beautiful young lady, who deserves far better than I can give. You need someone who will love you with their whole heart, and I know now that can't be me. I can't give you my whole heart, and I can't love you the way you deserve. I'd be lying if I said I could. Because my heart belongs to Kathryn Janeway, and I have to go after her." 

"No…no, you are confused. You are worried about her, I understand." 

"No, please listen to me," he said, covering her hand supportively. "We've had a wonderful time together, but it's time to recognise the truth. You deserve someone much better than me, someone nearer your age, someone who thinks the world of you, and that will never be me. I'm sorry I've made such a mess of things. I've been deluding myself ever since we got home…maybe longer. But I cannot be happy with you now I know Kathryn loves me." 

"You are terminating our relationship?" 

"Yes, I am. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, but to continue would be a greater disservice to you." 

"Have I been unsatisfactory in some way? Have I not fulfilled your need for copulation?" 

"Seven, you have been everything a man could ever need in a woman. If anything, I have failed to live up to what you needed from me. Do not look on this as your fault. You've done nothing wrong. Somewhere out there is the perfect man for you. You will meet him sometime soon. It just isn't me." 

"And Kathryn Janeway is the perfect woman for you?" 

"She always has been. That's the problem." 

Seven raised an eyebrow. She didn't look particularly upset by this turn of events. "I would surmise that you have left it too late to effect a reconciliation." 

Chakotay dropped his gaze. "You may be right. But I have to try. I have to go after her." 


	4. Chapter 4

By the next day, Chakotay had packed a bag and arranged for leave. He set off on the next available transport for Vulcan, hoping against hope that it wouldn't be too late to turn things round. He needed to find Kathryn, apologise profusely, make her see how much she meant to him and bring her home. He wasn't expecting it to be easy. 

However, it transpired that she had not stayed long with Tuvok before sequestering herself in a monastery at Solkaz. Tuvok informed him that she had gone for respite and meditation, and to search for inner peace. He advised him to leave her alone for a while, but that did not stop Chakotay from persistently petitioning the guardians of Solkaz for an audience with his wife. 

It was several agonising weeks before his wish was granted. 

* * *

  


Solkaz  


Chakotay had been made to wait for over an hour in the dark caverns of the temple, barely lit by the torches on the walls, before he saw a hooded figure emerge from a far passage. She was closely followed by two others, similarly attired. This strange figure could have been male or female so heavily cloaked were they, yet he knew from the gait it was her. The darkness seemed to swirl about her form like a mist as she halted before him, and for a moment his voice seemed to catch in his throat. 

He looked up expectantly. "Kathryn?" 

The figure nodded and turned to her companions. "You may leave us." 

The other two hooded figures bowed slightly. "We will wait outside in case you have need of us," said one. 

"Thank-you." When they were alone, she continued, "I thought I made it clear that I did not want to see you. Tuvok could have brought me the divorce papers to sign." 

"You did, but I haven't brought divorce papers. A divorce is the very last thing I want." 

"Then why have you come?" 

"To see you. To talk to you….to apologise for the profoundly stupid way I've treated you. It was inexcusable of me…and I was so terribly blind not to see what it was doing to you." 

"Consider your apology made. Now will you leave me in peace?" 

"No. Not until I've said everything I came to say. Will you take that thing off? Let me see you…" 

Kathryn hesitated for a few moments, then dropped the hood onto her shoulders. Her appearance shook Chakotay. Her face was gaunt and thin, she'd clearly lost weight she couldn't afford to lose. She wore no make-up, and her hair had been shorn into spiky bristles. She shed the rest of the robe, dropping to floor, leaving her in a thin white chemise tied by rope at the waist. She was so painfully thin. 

"Shocked, Chakotay?" she said, fixing him with steely cold eyes. "This is what six weeks seclusion does to you!" 

"I thought you'd come to find some inner peace…not to get starved half to death! You need some food inside you!" 

"They offer me plenty of food. That I choose not to eat it is my decision. And I had been coming to terms with the path my life has taken…finding some inner equilibrium. At least until you showed up." 

"Your hair!" he said dolefully, reaching forward to touch the shorn tufts. She shrank back to avoid the contact. 

"Will grow again. When I want it to." 

"Yes, it will," he said, letting his arm slip back to his side, disappointed in her reaction. "You've taken off your wedding ring!" he added, his spirits sinking, if possible even lower. 

"Why not? It didn't mean anything anyway. It was only a sham marriage." 

Chakotay swallowed. The words were harsh, but unfortunately they were true. Her eyes skipped to his hand. He was still wearing his. 

"It was…but that doesn't mean it has to continue to be. Seven and I have split up." 

"So I heard." 

"You heard? Then you've not been totally cut off from the outside world. It was inevitable. With hindsight, I can see that were in no way suited. I can't believe I was so stupid." Kathryn pushed her lips together disdainfully. "Kathryn, if you'd only told me how you felt….she would never have happened in the first place. All I needed was some little clue…" 

"You were blind, Chakotay. You were once my best friend…and you used to read me like a book. You should have seen…" 

"Yes, I should. I still am your best friend." 

Kathryn looked doubtful. "I think it's too late for that…" 

"No, it isn't. How can it be? I want so much more. I want to give this marriage a chance. I love you…I've always loved you." 

"You expect me to believe that you want me now?" 

"Yes. Because it's the truth. I only dated Seven because I didn't think you cared in that way for me." 

She threw her head back and laughed. "G-d, you must think I'm stupid. How very convenient! Seven dumps you, and suddenly you want me back. Could it be that the only way to keep your residency is to stay married to me?" 

"It's not like that! And to set the record straight, I dumped her. I want to turn this into a real marriage. I want to put that ring back on your finger. I want my best friend back…and I want to make love to her!" 

"You expect me to believe that? You want to make love to this thin emaciated body…when you've had her youthful curvaceous one? Get real Chakotay!" 

"It's true. Kathryn, I've always thought you beautiful. You may be on the thin side just now, but it's nothing a few good meals won't fix." She snorted at this. "Let me tell you something. You're the one with the vibrant personality, the years of true companionship…no, don't deny it. These things count a thousand times more than youth or curves…You're one hell of an attractive woman. You positively ooze with sexual allure, you always have. It's always been part of the charm that you never even realise it." 

"Forgive me if I don't swallow the sales pitch." 

"It's true. I guess you're not going to believe it until you let me show you. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than show you how much I care about you." Kathryn stared at him through the darkness, unmoved. "Come home with me. All I need is a chance to love you…" 

"There's no way back," she said eventually. "We can never go there now. I can't take the risk." 

"Yes, we can. It's not too late. We have seven years of the most precious friendship…don't let that count for nothing." 

She looked up with glazed eyes. "You don't understand. I can't trust in your love anymore." 

"Yes. You can. Kathryn, come home, please." 

"No, I can't. It's how I feel, and there's no changing it." 

"I told you…all I need is a chance to show you." 

"Well, Chakotay, you're just going to have to come terms with the fact that you're not going to get it." 

"You're hurt, raw. I understand. You have every right to be angry with me. But when you've thought about this for a few days maybe you'll change your mind…" 

"No, I won't." 

"I'll come back in a couple of days…" 

"No, please don't. If you do one thing for me, it will be to leave me in peace." 

"Kathryn, don't close the door on this," he said, his heart breaking. 

"I have to." 

"I want us to try and make this work." 

"Chakotay, this was set in stone the moment you asked me to marry you, not for love but for convenience. There was never any other way this was going to end. I knew in that instant that we would never become lovers. I was never going to let myself be your second choice. But I didn't envision it costing our friendship as well." 

"It hasn't cost us our friendship. And you're in no way my second choice." 

"Protest all you like. You are not going to change my mind. Send Tuvok with the divorce papers whenever you're ready, and I'll sign them." 

"I do not want a divorce!" he said, rather forcefully. 

Her steady gaze did not waver. "But I do. Don't worry. I won't rush you. I'm sure you can find some other willing victim to bequeath you Federal citizenship before long. If you're lucky she might even have blonde hair and a massive chest. It rarely takes you long to find some woman to fall all over you." 

Chakotay shrank in disappointment. He knew he at least deserved some of this. "You're the one I want," he said in resignation. "Just think this over. I do love you. It's an absolute, a part of my very being ever since I met you. Look, if you want peace, I won't bother you again…but I'll stay a few days with Tuvok, while you think this over. I'm sure when you've calmed down you'll see the truth for what it is. That something very wonderful can be salvaged from all of this. You can contact me there, if you change your mind." 

"Don't hold your breath." She turned to leave. "Goodbye, Chakotay. Please understand when I tell you I never want to see you again." 

He did not stay long with Tuvok. The very next day, the priests of Solkaz contacted them to say that she'd upped and left, without giving the slightest clue as to her destination. She was pretty good at covering her tracks too, because all their efforts to trace her whereabouts failed. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chakotay went back to earth, staying well clear of Seven. Now their relationship was over, he had no wish to be in her company. It seemed she had no great desire to be in his either, and to all reports she had taken their break-up with as little emotional reaction as she would have taken a change of duty-shift on Voyager. If he had still harboured any regrets about parting ways with the ex-drone, they would have quickly been dispelled now. 

Chakotay trawled every possible contact to try and find out his wife's whereabouts without success. He'd prevailed upon Tuvok to let him know the instant she resurfaced. But he didn't file for divorce. He suffered plenty of pangs of remorse, but underneath he still harboured a tiny flame of hope. In the back of his mind, he was convinced that she'd come round, when she'd calmed down. He thought that once she no longer looked at things through a veil of anger and hurt, she'd realise that his affection for her was genuine and that it was foolish to throw this away just through stubborn pride. 

But he never could have foreseen the next twist of this tortured relationship. Only a few weeks later, Starfleet contacted him to tell him his wife was missing, as if he didn't already know that. But as he listened to Admiral Collins' explanation, his blood ran cold. Kathryn had been on Dorvan of all places. He had no idea why she would have gone to his home planet and it was the last place he would have expected to find her. She, and eleven other Federation citizens, had been abducted from the transit region of the planet, an area inhabited mostly by off-worlders who were just visiting. A renegade group of Cardassians, led by a certain Gul Toveshk, a name chillingly familiar to Chakotay, were thought to be responsible. They had raided two hotels during the night, abducted any Federation citizens they came across, and taken them off the planet before anyone of any consequence had realised what was happening. However, they could not have many places to hide, their behaviour not being officially sanctioned by Cardassian authorities. 

The news sent Chakotay into paroxysms of terror and guilt. Gul Toveshk had been a member of a Cardassian cell that he had routed in his Maquis days, nearly wiping it out entirely. Their leader had been killed, and Toveshk had survived with severe injuries to his leg. He was assuredly one of those bitter enemies on Dorvan that Chakotay had been so desperate to avoid. He was one of the many who wanted Chakotay dead. Kathryn's connection to him could hardly have escaped the man's attention. 

He found it hard to believe that Kathryn could possibly have gone to Dorvan, but his sister Sekaya confirmed that she had. She told him she'd seen her. Kathryn had come over to her home and spent an entire day with her and her family. They had talked at length about their childhood home, and the danger Chakotay would face if he ever went back. The two women had clearly got on well, and it seemed that Kathryn hadn't appeared to sense any danger to herself. That had proved to be a grave miscalculation. 

Admiral Collins, now in charge of any mission to recover the missing Federal citizens, reluctantly agreed to see Chakotay, but only because he was the husband of one of the missing women. He was not generally well-disposed towards the ex-Maquis and former terrorist. 

Chakotay hated inaction when someone he cared so much about was in serious danger. It was part of his nature, and he was in no mood to be fobbed off. He took an instant dislike to the rather large grey-haired man, who had been sitting behind an admiral's desk for far too long to remember what it was like to be out there facing death on a daily basis. He made the man squirm as he questioned the negotiations being attempted to secure the release of the hostages. 

"Diplomacy? Diplomacy? You know as well as I do that these people are not to be bargained with. Their idea of a concession is to return a dead body to the Federation." 

"We have no reason to believe your wife is dead, Mr. Chakotay," returned Collins. 

"No, but most people in their custody wish they were." 

Collins looked at him grimly. He knew this to be true. "She was a guest of theirs once before and was retrieved unharmed." 

"Yes, but it was a stealth operation that recovered her, and the man with her had been most severely tortured." 

"Granted, but the Federation is still pursuing a diplomatic solution first and foremost." 

"Targshit. We all know they won't grant any concessions with people they regard as terrorists. There's only one solution to this: a covert military operation." 

Collins' face twitched. "You are most likely correct." 

"And every minute matters. We cannot afford to wait. Every day that passes, the chances lessen that we will even recognise the people we recover from those thugs." 

Collins blinked twice. Or was that another twitch? "I think you should prepare yourself for the worst. I expect it's already too late to recover the people they once were. They've had them five days already. More than enough to have broken them. Your wife is the most significant of the hostages, and it is almost inconceivable that they won't have tortured her, given the history of the group holding her. We are already working under the assumption that any intel she may have possessed has been compromised. No one could hold out against the drugs and the diabolical instruments these people use. It's not humanly possible." 

Chakotay glared at him. The man was at least being bluntly truthful. "So, tell me, what is Starfleet doing? Why aren't they out there now doing something about this? Have they even got an assault team assembled?" 

"Officially, no. Unofficially, yes. A team is leaving DS9 tomorrow on a recovery mission." 

"I want to get out there. I want to be there when they bring her out. Can you arrange transport?" 

Collins studied Chakotay with a heightened sympathy. He knew one of the terrorists' demands was to hand Chakotay over to them, but he wasn't going to let him know that. Maybe it would lend a bit of weight to the so-called negotiations to have him on his way out there. 

"We can get you there in five days." 

"Thank you." 

* * *

  


In the event, Chakotay heard from Collins that the first foray by the rescue team had drawn a blank, even before he reached DS9. They had targeted a bunker on an almost barren moon, several light years from Dorvan. The bunker turned out to have been abandoned. However, it was clear that their quarry had been there for some time. They had left in a hurry, as if they knew their cover had been blown. The team may only have missed their targets by hours. 

The team returned to DS9, and for a few days Chakotay made a nuisance of himself by shadowing their every move and pestering them for information. It took another week for intelligence to confirm another possible hiding place, on an equally remote moon, was worthy of investigation. 

Instantly Chakotay called Collins, demanding to be placed on the rescue team. 

"You are no longer military personnel, Mr. Chakotay. There is no way I am going to permit you to join the rescue attempt. Besides, you are too intimately involved to make dispassionate decisions. Your integrity would be compromised. You would be a liability." 

"You will find me more of a liability, if you do not let me go. I know the target, and I will take myself there alone, if need be. I'm sure you would rather have me working as part of a co-ordinated team, than acting like a loose cannon." 

"Are you threatening me? I'd advise against taking that line…" 

"I was merely informing you of an additional strategic consideration." 

Collins stared at Chakotay, wondering if he was bluffing. Chakotay's eyes were set with determination, and Collins was well aware of the man's Maquis history. He knew he wasn't. 

"I could have you arrested…" 

"You'd have no justification to do so." 

"Planning to sabotage a military operation. Cause enough." 

Chakotay didn't flinch. "You'd have to catch me first." 

"The target is right in the middle of Cardassian occupied territory. I thought you'd just spent the last few years avoiding getting sent anywhere near it." 

"I'd risk anything to get my wife back. Even that." 

"Precisely, your judgement will be compromised." 

"Admiral, I am going whether you like it or not. It will enhance both of our chances of success to go in as one team." 

Collins stared at him in undisguised hostility for some time, before coming to the conclusion that it might be strategically wise to agree. He'd give instructions to the team leader to shoot Chakotay on the spot, if he became in any way difficult or put the mission in jeopardy. 

"Report to Lieutenant Commander Hasler. You will be under his direct command, and I would expect you to follow orders without hesitation." 

"Understood." 

"And Chakotay, remember this. If you get yourself into any difficulties as a result of your insistence on taking part in this operation, against our express advice, we won't be sending in any operatives to rescue you." 


	6. Chapter 6

Hasler, a man who reminded Chakotay very much of Mike Ayala, led the operation. The team went in at night, easily overpowering the few guards on the perimeter. The Cardassians may have been good at subterfuge, spying, brutal tactics and even torture, but they were not particularly good at defense. They relied rather too heavily on finding such secluded places to hide that they would never be discovered. Chakotay knew this well from his days in the Maquis. It helped that the hostages had been taken by a small group with limited manpower, and that the target was well distant from any large Cardassian settlements. It would take some time for any reinforcements to arrive, if indeed the group had any allies elsewhere. The biggest risk was that the hostages would be killed before they could be rescued. 

The assault team of ten people soon made their way into the dark corridors of the second target. It was a dank bunker, and a few lobbed grenades soon rendered four men in the first guards' room unconscious, but not before one of them managed to signal some sort of alert before falling. The electronic keys to the cells were removed from two of the downed men, and the group moved on through this room and into the corridors beyond. 

The first three or four cells were empty, but the cry of a man was heard from one beyond that. It was definitely human, and very soon a figure was seen gripping the bars at the front. 

It was immediately obvious that this man was one of the sort after hostages. One of the commandos opened the cell, a second scanned him quickly to ascertain his condition. 

"Name?" 

"Thomas Proud." 

"Where are the others?" asked Hasler, nodding that this man was one of their targets. Chakotay already knew that. The names of all twelve hostages were burnt into his memory. 

"Most of us are along here. A few more beyond the door at the end." 

"Have you been injured?" 

"No. We're starving though. Food's been scarce or inedible." 

"Can you walk?" 

"I think so." 

Chakotay stepped back out into the corridor, where pairs of the team were opening the door to the other cells, freeing and checking the other occupants. He counted five other men and two women as he walked, but none of them was his wife. He signalled to another man to make their way through the closed door which filled the wall at the end of the corridor. They had to blow off its hinges, because it failed to respond to the keycards. As they made their way through the hole, they heard the sound of phaser fire behind them. Several Cardassians had responded to the alarm and arrived to take on the assault team. Glancing backwards they could see only three enemy combatants, so they knew the men behind them could easily despatch them. 

The two men stepped forwards into the gloom of the second corridor. Here, the cells contained only three male occupants, already baying for release because of the disturbance. Beyond that there was nothing, only a blank wall. 

Chakotay turned back to the first block, leaving the other man to free the hostages. Two of the Cardassians were already on the floor, the third was well on his way to joining them. There was also one casualty among the assault team, on the floor, his leg shot to pieces. 

He made his way back to Proud. Gripping the man rather roughly by the shoulders, he asked, "Where's Admiral Janeway?" 

Proud looked exhausted, breathing heavily. "I think she's in the other building." 

"How many guards?" 

"Not sure. These three probably came from there." 

"How many Cardassians are there altogether?" 

"We've counted sixteen." 

Hasler and Chakotay did a mental check. They'd already downed eleven. That left five, assuming Proud hadn't missed any. 

"They've been torturing her," Proud added, which made Chakotay's stomach churn. "We've not heard anything for three days. She may not be alive." 

Chakotay looked at Hasler. "Let me go in." 

"We must get these hostages away safely first. We have eleven twelfths of our target here…and our next task is to secure them, and recover my injured man." 

"But she is our primary target." 

"I am aware of that, Mr. Chakotay." 

"Give me a couple of men. You can sweep up here. We cannot delay. You and I both know they managed to get some sort of signal off in that guards' room. There may be reinforcements on their way right now!" 

Hasler looked at him darkly. "I am in command of this mission. It's my call!" 

"Yes, sir!" said Chakotay, trying to rein in his impatience. He was sorely tempted to go it alone, but knew his chances of success would be far greater if took some men with him. 

Hasler nodded to two men. "Take these two with you!" 

"Thank-you." 

* * *

  


The three men hurried back out into the night, stepping over the still stunned bodies of their enemy. Surveying the dark, dusty landscape outside, they noted there were three other structures that could possibly be further detention facilities. Scanning quickly, they identified only one with life-signs. There were a number within the immediate entrance hall, no doubt armed and ready to greet their attackers. 

They skirted round the building, hoping for a rear entrance but there was none. But they did identify an air duct, and one of the men was hoisted up and sent in to despatch stun grenades, if at all possible. 

The two remaining men waited a long five minutes, before they heard several bangs. Counting to ten, they stormed the building, finding all but one of the Cardassians downed. The last man was choking in the smoke, but a sharp shot from a phaser finished him too. 

Stepping amongst the carnage, they took keys from these guards too, and opened another door to a network of corridors. This block comprised a lot of empty offices, but finally their scanners picked up what appeared to be a lifesign. 

Chakotay stepped forward, phaser already raised, secretly signalling the second man to stay back for a moment. 

In the darkness of a cell, whose door was already open, he picked out two figures. One Cardassian, fit and healthy, holding some floppy skeletal doll in one arm. Chakotay had to look twice at the limp unresponsive figure to see it was Kathryn. She was wearing loose drab Cardassian garb and her captor had a phaser to her head. 

The Cardassian grinned, despite the phaser aimed at his head. "Mr. Chakotay. The very person we hoped might come. Welcome to our little corner of paradise." 

"What have you done to her?" 

"She is still alive…just. She's been barely conscious for three days. But I wouldn't give much for her chances, now that she has a phaser to her head." 

"Put the phaser down, and you'll live," said Chakotay. "You're on your own now." The man's eyes narrowed. "No-one's coming to your rescue…Gul Toveshk." 

The Cardassian laughed. "So, you know my name! We meet at last. You were a thorn in our side for too many years. We weren't sorry when you disappeared half way across the universe. You made a big mistake in coming back." 

Chakotay moved sideways, attempting to distract Toveshk, aware that his colleague had moved close to the boundary of the cell, and was preparing to fire at the first opportunity. He wanted to pull Toveshk's gaze as far from that side of the cell as possible. 

"Don't come any closer! I'll fire!" Chakotay froze, but was keenly aware that the man had not noticed the second commando. Even so, he was very wary of the phaser pointed at his wife's head. He had to trust in the skills of his partner. 

"Looks like she's half-dead already." 

Toveshk grinned. "We broke her. There's not much left, just an empty shell. I'd be surprised if you want her back now. But then you won't be there to appreciate what there is any way! Drop the weapon!" Chakotay did not respond for a moment. "Drop the weapon, or I'll fire. Don't think for a moment you could hit me before I do…" 

Chakotay held out both arms sideways in a big show of capitulation, dangling the phaser for ages from his right hand before letting it drop. Toveshk had been watching him like a hawk, and did not see the slight movement to his left. The third man got a clear shot at the Cardassian's head, sending him reeling backwards, and although the victim got a shot off before he hit the ground, it merely arced through open space. The lifeless doll in the man's arm dropped to the floor beside the body, and Chakotay shot forward. 

Picking up what little was left of his wife, he brushed her hair from face, noting the dark slashes that covered her emaciated body. "Kathryn, Kathryn…," he called gently, then paused to listen for her faint breaths. He felt a feeble pulse. She was alive, but only just. 

He glanced at his companion, who was stooping over Toveshk's body, ensuring that he would not live to trouble anyone again. "Good shot," he told the man, who barely nodded. At that moment, Hasler showed up with two more men, to assist. The other hostages had safely been evacuated. 

Chakotay turned back to his wife, stroking her face soothingly. "Kathryn, you're safe now. It's going to be alright. Kathryn…" 

Her eyes flickered, and she turned her head just slightly. "Cha…ko…" she rasped in a barely recognisable voice. Then she fainted again. It was the last word she was to say for months. 

"Let's get out of here," said Hasler. "Sensors show another Cardassian ship pulling into orbit." 


	7. Chapter 7

Back on DS9, Kathryn was taken immediately to the infirmary, where she was treated for severe lacerations to her body, broken bones and teeth and malnutrition. A torture device was removed from her belly, and there was neural damage too. She remained deeply unconscious, and it was conjectured that she had been in that state for at least three days, as Toveshk had implied. The wounds were all several days old. The Cardassians had clearly realised that to continue their torture would have resulted in her death, which was not what they were seeking, and as a result she had been given some rudimentary medical treatment, insufficient, but enough to keep her alive. 

Chakotay blamed himself for the ordeal she had gone through. If he hadn't put his own burdens on her, she never would have gotten in this situation. He sat by her side day and night, willing her to come back to him, stroking her hand, kissing her face. He constantly assured her of his love for her, talked to her about their time on Voyager and what their colleagues were doing. Scans showed heightened brain activity as he talked, so he knew she could hear him. 

On the third day, Chakotay looked up to see the consultant entering the room. They'd been running brain scans and other tests all afternoon, and he'd feared the worst. Kathryn was still unconscious, and not showing any signs of coming round. 

"Mr. Chakotay?" 

"Yes." 

"You are the patient's husband?" 

"Yes." 

"Could you come with me, please?" 

He followed the doctor into a private consultation area, out of earshot of Kathryn. The doctor sat down at his desk, indicating that Chakotay should take the seat opposite. 

"I have no need to tell you that your wife's condition is serious." 

"No." 

"Serious, but stable. Her life is not in any immediate danger. However, she is deeply comatose at present, and it's probably a good thing that she is. There has been some neural damage, and the road to recovery will be a long one. We have begun a treatment with nanoprobe-technology that has been highly successful. It will take time." 

"She has brain damage?" 

"Yes. But it's treatable. However, I can't guarantee a full recovery. We may never get back the woman you've lost. At the very least, there will be personality changes. Probable memory loss, not just a result of her injuries, but also as a psychological response to the experience she's been through. That can be very difficult for loved ones to deal with." Chakotay nodded. He understood. He was at that moment too grateful to have Kathryn back alive to worry about the long term issues. "Physically she's on the mend, although she is extremely malnourished. A few cracked ribs, a broken tibia and fibula. A fractured ankle. Major lacerations to limbs and torso…all have which have been successfully treated. Extensive damage to her vocal chords, which is more difficult to treat, but should heal in time." 

Chakotay squeezed his eyes. He knew what that meant, and it was too awful to contemplate. "She screamed." 

"Yes. Probably for days on end. I regret to say I've seen this a number of times before. She may have some problems with her speech when she regains consciousness. There could also be problems with co-ordination and some memory loss, panic attacks, maybe visual impairment. It's too soon to tell how full a recovery she will make." 

"Was there any sign of….of sexual assault?" 

The doctor shifted in his chair. "I think we won't know for sure, until your wife wakes up and tells us what happened. Assuming she hasn't blocked the memory, which is not unusual. There were external injuries in the genital area, but nothing significant internally and no sign of any semen." This was of some relief to Chakotay. "Although we are a long way from this yet, there is no physical reason why she shouldn't enjoy a full and active sex life in future. But I ought to warn you that she may suffer some loss of libido as a result. Whether or not she was sexually assaulted, she may well not respond as she used to. It's quite common for a person to show fear and anxiety in sexual situations after the experience she's had. She may reject physical intimacy altogether, and you will have to be exceedingly understanding if she does." 

"I understand," answered Chakotay, not wishing to say that resuming a physical relationship with Kathryn was very low on his list of expectations, given that he'd never had one in the first place. 

"Of course, there's counselling if that proves to be the case… In the meantime, it's obvious she is responding to your presence. We are detecting significant increases in brain activity when you talk to her. So whatever it is you're doing, keep it up!" Chakotay nodded and thanked the surgeon for everything he was doing. 

The next day, Kathryn opened her eyes. This immediately lifted Chakotay's spirits, until he realised that she was still a long way from being well. The doctors assured him she recognised him. They could tell from the way her eyes followed his movements and from brain scans. But although she appeared to follow movements around the room, she did not react to them in any way. 

She did not voluntarily move any limbs, nor did she make any sounds of any kind. She was in something of a vegetative state. They tested her response to pain stimuli, and he was told she was had a low level of consciousness. 

This was disheartening for Chakotay, but he continued in his labour of love diligently, sleeping for short periods on a make-shift bed at her side, only exiting the room when the doctors were treating her or the nurses came to wash her. This always gave him a few awkward moments. He feared he would be asked to assist and did not wish to explain that he had never seen his wife naked. 

As the days ticked by, the doctors were clearly disappointed in Kathryn's progress. She began to move her hands voluntarily, and was sometimes sent into a panic by his absence. She could nod or shake her head in response to questions, showing that she could understand what was being said to her. They were also trying hard to get her to swallow some real food, but it was proving quite difficult. 

It was decided to move her to a hospital in Italy, with state of the art facilities to deal with her problems. They needed to get her limbs moving and improve her muscle tone, and that needed specialist equipment. It was also felt that familiar voices around her, such as her mother and sister, would stimulate her cognitive processes. 

Gretchen was already on her way out when Kathryn, together with a medical team, was placed on a transport for earth. It was decided that they would try and rendezvous with the outcoming ship en route. Chakotay was not looking forward to the meeting with his mother-in-law. They'd had a couple of conversations whilst Kathryn was missing, and she'd laid the blame firmly at his feet. 

Two days out from DS9, Gretchen breezed into the medical room assigned solely to Kathryn and her entourage. Chakotay, as ever, was sitting at his wife's side. 

"Good afternoon to you, Mr. Chakotay. I've come to see my daughter." 

"Afternoon, Mrs. Janeway," answered Chakotay, standing. 

"How is she?" 

"You can see for yourself. She has a long way to go, but she can hear and respond to what's being said…" 

Gretchen leaned over her daughter, and smoothed her forehead. "Hello, Kathryn, dearest. How are you?" Kathryn looked at her blankly for a moment. "It's mom here. Can you see me?" 

Kathryn smiled slightly, to Chakotay's delight. Another small step forward. 

"She recognises you!" Chakotay told Gretchen. 

"Good. Well, I'm here now, honey, and I can look after you till you're better…." She turned toward Chakotay. "Thank you for everything you've done for her, but I can take over from here. You can leave this to me." 

"I'm not planning on going anywhere." 

"It's time you bowed out gracefully. Kathryn's made her feelings for you very clear, and I'm sure she doesn't want you anywhere near her." 

"That is not the impression she is giving. She is definitely improving as I talk to her," he told her, tipping his head towards Kathryn in warning that she could hear what was being said. 

"But her progress is slow. And you have done quite enough damage as it is…" said Gretchen firmly. 

Chakotay gestured to Gretchen that she should come away from her daughter to continue this conversation. Outside the door of the room, he told her, "I am her next of kin. I am not going anywhere. I love your daughter, and I want to do what's best for her. And that's to stay right here, talking to her and reassuring her and doing whatever I can to help. If I thought for a moment that Kathryn did not want me here, then I would go…gracefully. But she does. So I am staying put." 

Gretchen's eyes darkened with anger. "If you hadn't treated her so badly, she would never have been in this position in the first place. Have you asked yourself why she went to Dorvan in the first place? It was to get away from you! She knew that was the last place you'd follow her! So, do the decent thing and stay out of life from now on. I don't want you anywhere near her." 

Chakotay squared up to this spitfire of a woman, a recognisably older version of Kathryn. "I repeat, I am not going anywhere, unless Kathryn herself expressly tells me to go. I risked my own life and limb to get your daughter out of that God-forsaken hellhole, and I deserve some respect for that. I think I've earned the right to stay by her side for as long as she wants me. I did it because I love her, and I'm staying because I love her." 

"Don't you have any remorse over the way you've treated her?" asked Gretchen, outraged. 

"If you mean do I regret my stupidity over those few months, then yes I do. I will regret it for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I have to act like an idiot here and now. I plan to make it up to her by every means possible. I'm staying, Mrs. Janeway. And if you don't like it, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. If you like, I'll leave the two of you alone for a while. But I will be back." 

He stalked off, leaving Gretchen open-mouthed. This left an awkward impasse over Kathryn's bed whenever the two of them were in the room together, but Gretchen had to grudgingly concede that her daughter craved her husband's presence. She didn't need the doctors to confirm it. She could see it for herself. 


	8. Chapter 8

They reached home and Kathryn was transferred to a superb facility in Tuscany. They were able to take Kathryn about in a hover-chair, to enjoy the Spring sunshine and the stunning views. Her eyes took it all in, her face showed delight at the greater level of freedom. 

She would smile now, and respond to questions with a nod or a shake of her head. But there was still no speech, not even a murmur, and although she would move her arms a little, her legs remained lifeless. 

Gretchen persisted with feeding her, and had more success in getting her to swallow some solid food than Chakotay. Phoebe came, and as always was a breath of fresh air, less hostile towards him than Gretchen. Some members of the crew visited briefly, but most found it hard to take seeing their former Captain in that condition. 

He would be left on his own with her for much of the day, now. Both her mother and sister had accepted that Kathryn best responded to him. She often grew fretful when he left the room, thrashing about wildly until he returned. He tried not to take time away from her, unless she was asleep. 

The doctors were concerned to restore some muscle tone, and they had a number of machines to exercise her limbs and flex her joints. But there was one facility that he knew she was going to love: a spa pool. 

And he guessed he shouldn't have been surprised when, on the second morning, a therapist asked him to accompany her to give Kathryn a spell in the pool. 

They wheeled her down in a special chair to a gloriously light and airy room, with shimmering clear water in an oval pool. The spa area had showers, fluffy warm towels, massage areas, treatment rooms, soft music, ambient lighting…everything to made the experience a pleasurable one. It also had a fabulous view over the countryside, without anybody being able to see in. 

The therapist turned to Chakotay and told him to go replicate himself some bathing trunks. Chakotay quickly did as he was told, and changed in one of the cubicles. He returned to find the therapist removing her own gown. Underneath she already had a bathing costume on. 

Kathryn was eyeing the water eagerly. Chakotay tested it…warm, fragrant and inviting. He grinned at his wife. She was going to love this. 

Then the therapist began to remove Kathryn's clothing, and quickly asked for Chakotay's assistance. He hesitated, realising that another of those dilemmas was upon him, and this time there was no escape. So far, he'd carefully managed to avoid being anywhere near Kathryn when she'd been in a state of undress. There was no way of getting out of it now. 

"What's the matter, Mr. Chakotay? Is there a problem?" asked the therapist, observing his hesitancy as she struggled to get one of Kathryn's arms out of the medical robe. 

Chakotay swallowed. "Um…no," he said, stepping forward. He began to remove the gown from her other arm, baring Kathryn from the waist up. "Aren't we going to put a bathing costume on her?" 

"No. Too much trouble. No-one's going to see in and the privacy lock is on the door." 

The therapist pushed a cradle under Kathryn's arms to lift her up slightly, and pulled the gown clean away. 

Chakotay's eyes smarted with pain. There were still red marks from the Cardassian assault criss-crossing her body and limbs. The skin was healing well, but the evidence of her ordeal was still graphic. She was still far too thin, even though he knew she had already put on some weight. It made him realise what a terrible condition she had been in when they'd found her. Her hips jutted out bonily, and her breasts no longer swelled with the succulent flesh that had once filled them. Yet, looking at them, it was all too easy for him to imagine them in their former glory. 

The therapist looked at Chakotay sympathetically. She realised the man was totally shocked at the condition of his wife, and if anything this masked his former embarrassment at seeing her naked. 

Kathryn was wheeled straight into the pool, the chair being purposefully designed, and a floatation device was placed around her shoulders and neck. Once in the water, it was easy to float her out of the chair. She was soon on her back with a beatific look on her face. 

They spent half an hour in the pool, and the therapist showed Chakotay how to move Kathryn's legs to get her muscles working. Kathryn clearly was enjoying the sensation, and she moved her arms voluntarily, splashing both of her companions wilfully. 

Chakotay found it hard to forget that he was touching the woman he loved, naked. It was the toughest challenge yet, and despite circumstances, it was hard not to feel a little aroused. At one point he was directly behind her, her bare buttocks up against his groin, as he held her with both his arms under her breasts. He had to close his eyes for a moment, and try to centre himself. This to him held a torture all of its own. How he wished he was holding her just like this, fit and healthy and without the audience! How he wished he could allow his body to react in the way it so desperately desired! 

They moved Kathryn to the showers in her chair. They washed her hair and body thoroughly, before drying her carefully, and replacing the medical gown. Another nurse came to take her back to her room, and Chakotay was sent to make himself comfortable. But he sat in the cubicle alone for a few moments in an effort to pull himself together. He had to brush away a few tears which strayed from his eyes. 

"Are you alright, Mr. Chakotay?" came a concerned voice from outside. It was the therapist. 

"Um yes," he managed, shaking himself out of his reverie. "Yes, I'm fine." 

"Try to be positive. We're going to get her back on her feet, I'm sure of it." 

Kathryn loved the spa. Her visits there and to the other exercise areas formed part of a daily routine and proved very stimulating for Kathryn. They soon got her to move around successfully. She was now out of her bed for most of the day, sitting in her chair, or even walking a few steps around the room. 

As she grew more mobile, she became able to feed and dress herself. Physically she was well on the mend and steadily putting some weight back on, although psychologically there were still significant problems. She still hadn't uttered a sound. The doctors decided Chakotay could take her home. They felt that she would progress better in her own environment, although she would have to come in for treatment and exercise at least three times a week. He was glad she wouldn't miss out on the benefits the facilities at the hospital. At the same time, responsibility for her routine physical care was handed over to the Voyager's EMH, as it was also thought she would respond better to a familiar face. However, she would continue to need the attention of the neural specialists and the counsellors. 

And so it was that Chakotay found himself wheeling Kathryn into her own apartment, which he had abandoned so hastily eleven weeks earlier. He was more than a little apprehensive about being alone with her, although Gretchen and Phoebe came over to help him settle her in. They were to be regular visitors. 

That first night alone in her flat seemed endless, without her vibrant conversation. He talked to her endlessly…he was getting well used to conducting a one-sided conversation. He cooked a wonderful meal, which she ate lustily, and left her in the lounge while he cleared away. 

When he came back in, she was curled up on the sofa with her legs under her skirt, reading a book intently. He smiled at the sight, and it brought home to him, that, although she wasn't speaking, her brain hadn't ceased to function. There was plenty of cognitive activity going on inside. In fact, she was probably screaming with boredom from within her self-imposed prison. She looked up at him and smiled. 

"What are you reading?" 

She lifted the cover, so he could see. It was some Gothic novel. He noted she had already managed several pages. That had to be a good sign. She let the book fall, and held out an arm, inviting him to sit next to her. 

As he did so, she leaned into his shoulder, and he put his arm around her. He let out a long contented sigh. If this is what bringing her home entailed, he could certainly live with it. Maybe this wasn't going to be as difficult as he thought. 

He placed a hand over hers and rubbed it lovingly. Kathryn looked down at where their hands were joined, and frowned. She began to twiddle his wedding ring on his finger. Then she poked at the fourth finger of her left hand, which was glaringly unembellished. She waved her hand about in consternation, looking at him with wide questioning eyes. He knew she was asking why she didn't have a ring on her own finger. 

He pulled her wedding ring out of his shirt pocket, where he placed it every morning the instant he arose. It had been returned with a pile of belongings she'd left with Tuvok. 

"It's here. I've been looking after it for you." Her eyes dropped to his hand holding the ring, and she seemed satisfied. Then she held her left hand up, fingers splayed, in a clear invitation to put it back on. 

He slid it onto her finger...it was a little loose. His pulse was racing at the implications, wishing with all his heart that the marriage might mean something now. "There! Back where it belongs!" he told her. 

She nodded, admiring the ring on her finger for a moment, and he smiled at her reaction. He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. Her eyes met his, processing this all somewhere deep inside. He'd kissed her an awful lot over the past weeks, on the forehead, on the cheek, on the hand, but never on the lips. Kathryn wasn't settling for that anymore. Now she was mobile, she had some say in how the kisses went. She leaned forward and planted a sweet dizzying kiss straight on his mouth. By the time they were onto the second kiss, tongues had entered the fray. 

And when Kathryn went to bed that night, thankfully able to wash herself and change into the night-gown he found for her, it was the most natural thing in the world for him to slip into the bed right beside her. He'd been sleeping by her bed for weeks, and this was merely one small step beyond that. But he forced himself to wear pyjamas. 

With his arm around his treasured wife, her back spooned into him, they both slept soundly. 

The following night, in a fit of conscience, he made up his old bed in the second bedroom. But when Kathryn woke in the middle of the night and realised he hadn't joined her, she went looking for him. She hopped around at his bedroom door in a state of some agitation till he came back to her bed, and so it was that Chakotay never tried to sleep in a separate room again. 

After a few days, Kathryn seemed to be on a mission. She had set ideas about what she wanted to do. She took up painting, spending hours at her canvas. She read, nothing heavy. She seemed to have developed a taste for some of B'Elanna's trashy Klingon romance novels. And she exercised with a vengeance, using gym equipment and going for runs. She was clearly intent on getting herself fit. 

They went for walks too, but it tended to upset Kathryn when someone stopped them and tried to talk to her. He would find himself excusing his wife for her inability to respond. After a while, they tried to avoid public places, and transport themselves to places where they were unlikely to meet other people. He hated her leaving the flat alone, which she did occasionally. He always had some innate fear that she would become lost or get into difficulties. He had to remind himself that, although she needed his care, she was not a child. 

She grew frustrated with the computer and the replicator, because they both functioned mainly on verbal instructions. She fared better with a padd, and she sometimes wrote long lists of things to do, planning out her day meticulously, writing shopping lists or giving him instructions. Her spelling left much to be desired, and as the padd was constantly drawing her attention to this lack of correctitude, she soon preferred to use paper and pencil. He would find little scribbled notes in several rooms of the house. Sometimes he found ones with just two words. _Love you._ He was always secretly thrilled when he did. Sometimes he wrote: _I love you too_ underneath, and left them there for her to find later. He would watch her out of the corner of his eye. Sometimes, she'd pick the note up, annoyed that he apparently hadn't found it. Then she would break into an enormous smile when she realised that he had, and moreover he'd added to it. 

She was able to communicate with extravagant gestures, and began to mouth single words and phrases. Chakotay became quite skilled at reading her. She sometimes grew very frustrated, and would suddenly grab her paper and scribble frantically. These were the moments when he needed the most patience. He would have to stand by while the words poured out and wait till she was spent out. Then he'd gently take the paper from her hand. Occasionally, there was some important message she wanted to get across, but more often than not she was just letting off steam and venting her frustration on an innocuous piece of paper. 

He found her one day studying their wedding picture in puzzlement. She turned and looked at him, tapping it with a finger. _"Only?"_ she mouthed. 

"Only?" he repeated. 

_"Picture."_

"Oh. Well, actually I think there were two more. I'll try and find them." He went into his old bedroom and began rummaging in a drawer. She followed him, standing uncertainly at the door. He found the two other pictures of the wedding and passed them to her. He watched as her brow creased. She was clearly unimpressed, and he didn't blame her. They were unprepossessing at best. He suddenly remembered the images he had of the night when they'd celebrated at the Janeway house. "Oh…I think there are some pictures of the party afterwards…," he said, digging deeper. He understood that their early marriage was one of the things she had blocked from her memory, and she was unlikely to realise that the event had not been immediately after the wedding. The pictures were in his old room, because Kathryn had never previously shown any interest in them. 

He dug them out and handed them to her. There were a dozen or so images. She smiled at the first one or two, then frowned again, dropping them carelessly onto the bed. She scooted back down the stairs and sat in a strange sulk on the sofa. Chakotay picked the pictures up. There were some perfectly happy looking compositions amongst the pile, but for the first time he noticed that at least two had caught Kathryn off-guard with a truly desolate look in her eyes. He wondered how he had never noticed that before, and it made him feel such a heel. 

She seemed to come out of her funk quite easily, but two days later he caught her upstairs preparing to dye her still short locks blonde. He looked at her in horror. "What are you doing?" She just looked at him with an expression which showed that she thought that was obvious. "Why are you doing this?" he rephrased. 

_"You like,"_ she mouthed. 

"No, I don't." 

She put down the applicator and stared at him, a little annoyed. She expressed her obvious disgust at his denial. He stepped forward and took a lock of her hair from either side of her head in each of his hands. He ran his fingers through the strands gently. "Listen to me. I like your hair the gorgeous colour it is. Please don't change it." She looked at him defiantly. He knew where this had come from, and it worried him. It meant she was remembering his attraction to some other women, notably blondes, and that was definitely a step in the wrong direction. "Kathryn? You understand?" 

Reluctantly, she nodded. 

"Good. Now we'll put that away, shall we?" he said, taking the applicator from her and putting it well out of reach. "You're beautiful just the way you are. Never forget that." And he kissed her. That was a sure fire way to divert her attention. 

Oh yes, they kissed and cuddled all the time now, much to Chakotay's utter delight. It all felt so natural. 


	9. Chapter 9

"I have to tell you, Mr. Chakotay," said the consultant, following their latest hospital appointment, "that your wife's inability to speak is most likely psychological. There is no physical reason for it. The damage to her vocal chords has long since healed. The treatment to her neural pathways has been very successful, and tests suggest we should expect an almost complete recovery of her cognitive functions. She is I believe, perfectly capable of expressing herself." 

"Indeed. She gets rather frustrated at times, and starts scribbling frantically. But for the most part she is quite adept at using facial and hand gestures. Not to mention that I'm getting quite the expert at lip reading." 

"That's good. Do you have any of her scribblings? It might be useful for her counsellor to take a look." 

Chakotay hesitated for a moment, then fished in a pocket to see what he could find. "None of her long ones. Just this," he said handing over a scrap of paper with some pencil markings. It read: 

_coffee_

 _chiken risoto_

 _salad_

choc ic crem

 _coffee_

"A shopping list?" 

"Well, yes. What she fancies for dinner." 

"She likes coffee then." 

"She certainly does. She's feeling a bit deprived, I think." 

"Hmm. Spelling's a bit dodgy. Is that significant? Or has she always been a poor speller?" 

"No, not in the least," Chakotay told the consultant. "She's used to writing pages and pages of technical reports, as you can imagine." 

The consultant nodded, handing the paper back to him. "One of her longer scripts would be more useful. You can expect this to improve. As I said, the treatment is being very successful. What you must be prepared for is that there may be permanent personality changes." 

Chakotay nodded. They'd been through this before. "Will she ever speak again?" 

"Most probably. When she's good and ready. Or when she let's down her guard enough to forget to rein herself in. She'll probably just get so frustrated with herself, that it'll just burst out of her sometime. I urge you to be optimistic. She's already made huge leaps and bounds with your encouragement. What we have achieved already is pretty miraculous. You're doing a damn fine job." 

* * *

  


Gretchen thought he was doing a fine job too, and for that he was grateful. Kathryn had regained a lot of her physical strength, and the hospital no longer offered her use of their specialist facilities. She needed psychological care and counselling now. Of course, that meant a loss of the use of the pool that Kathryn loved so much. So Gretchen suggested he took her to a lodge up in the mountains that belonged to a cousin. Kathryn had spent many summer days there during her childhood. It had a swimming pool right behind it and a lake a short walk downhill across a meadow from the house. The trees had been cleared here to reveal a glorious mountain vista. The idea appealed to both of them. 

They soon moved in and Kathryn seemed to thrive in the open country air and the early summer sunshine. It was the perfect place for her to explore her skills as a painter. Their first anniversary came and went, which they celebrated with a quiet meal in a restaurant in the nearest village thirty miles away. 

One afternoon, he arrived back at the lodge armed with three bags of fresh food from the nearest market. He was more than a little anxious. He'd left her on her own all day, having spent a few hours working in the morning. The staff at the academy where he was lecturing were being incredibly understanding, given that they all knew the reason for the illness his wife was battling. 

The house was quiet, and that always unnerved him. He didn't like her going out. For some reason he was still afraid she would get lost, although she never had. He gazed into her workroom, and saw that she had spent some time working on the background of a painting of one of the amazing views from the house. He smiled to himself. She was certainly developing her ability to express herself with a paintbrush, even if words still failed her. Some of the work she'd done lately had been exquisite. But she was not at her easel now. 

He moved on to the lounge and noticed that the large doors to the patio were open. A faint wash of water echoed in his ears, and he knew at once she was swimming in the pool, another thing he worried about her doing alone. He thought she would drown, even though she was a strong swimmer, and he'd told her a thousand times she was not to go in the pool when he was out, but Kathryn was not good at taking orders. He set the groceries down on a low table and moved silently to stand by one of the drapes. He didn't want to alert her yet. He wanted to enjoy watching her covertly for a few minutes. 

Of course she was swimming naked. Why would she do otherwise? They were high up in the mountains, not a soul within thirty miles. They might have a transporter pad, but no-one other than her mother or her sister could transport in without the consent panel being activated. 

He watched her, warming inwardly at the sight. He had to admit she had blossomed over the last month or so. His tender care and excellent cooking had put a few necessary pounds back on her, and the curves were…well, they were just charming now. The twitch in his groin confirmed that. Her hips were rounded now. Her soft breasts had filled out again, and amounted to what he thought would be a rather pleasant handful now. The scars had vanished from the lean planes of her belly, and the skin was almost translucent. It had a beautiful healthy glow to it now. His hands itched to touch. Her hair now had that glorious auburn sheen that he admired so much…but the locks were still short, the Doctor having refused to allow her to waste valuable body nutrients, by applying a follicle stimulator. It was silky again, and the rough shorn edges had been tidied up. He knew, because he often touched her hair, pulling her close to his shoulder and dreamily burying his face in it. 

He stood there for several minutes and allowed himself to dream, before he stepped out through the open doors and greeted her. 

She stopped her swimming, turned and grinned at him in welcome. 

"Enjoying yourself?" 

She nodded. 

"Is the water warm today?" he asked, bending down to test it with his fingers. 

He was answered with a splash of water hitting his face, and he looked up to see her laughing that peculiar silent laugh of hers. 

"I'm going to get you back for that!" he said, as the water slicked off his face. 

_"Come in!"_ she mouthed, with a flick of her hand to beckon him in. _"Dare!"_

"Just a minute," he responded. "I'll be back." He hadn't really joined her before. He hadn't dared. Just to be so close to her naked, was, well…dangerous. There was no third party here to keep things innocent. He'd be asking for trouble. 

What made him take the risk that day, he could not say. He dived back through the doors and took the groceries through to the kitchen. Then he changed into some swim trunks, grabbed a towel and headed back to the pool. 

She had quite naturally resumed her swimming, but when she caught sight of him there was a definite frown on her face at his attire. It clearly did not meet with her approval. And after they had done a few lengths, splashed each other a number of times, she dove beneath the surface and pulled the trunks half-way down his legs. 

He shouldn't have been so shocked, not really. In Kathryn's uncomplicated world they were married. His embarrassment was compounded by the fact that there was nothing he wanted more than to get naked with her and do incredible things to her body. And there was no way he could hide that fact from her. It was painfully obvious in his stirring erection. 

He bent down to grab the offending article and yank them back up, but she came up behind him and grabbed him by the balls. 

"Kathryn! No!" he yelled, straightening up and fighting off her assault. "Stop that!" 

She fell back and he bent again, this time succeeding in pulling up the shorts. Turning round, he saw her grinning from ear to ear, utterly pleased with herself. She stood up out of the water presenting him with an inviting view of her now quite gorgeous breasts. She strode towards him, crushing herself against his body, and kissing him fully on the lips. 

He responded to this, opening his mouth and allowing her tongue to explore. This was something they had been doing for weeks, albeit with a lot less flesh exposed, but then he felt one hand slide under the waistband of his shorts again, wrapping itself briefly round his swelling shaft. He broke their kiss and stepped back, pulling her hand away a second time. 

"Kathryn, I said no!" 

It was then that the horror flooded her face. She looked at him for a few frozen moments, before heading for the steps and climbing out of the pool. She threw one more disbelieving look at him, before beginning to pace up and down in increasing agitation. 

He followed her out in panic, realising that they were teetering on some precipice here. Back on firm ground, he watched her frantically gesturing, wild movements of complete confusion. 

"Kathryn, try to stay calm…You mustn't…" 

She looked at him. He could read her meaning very clearly. The gestures and the movement of her lips conveying all he needed. _"Don't desire me. Don't desire me. Not attractive…"_

"Of course you are. You're beautiful. Absolutely beautiful." 

_"No, not. Not beautiful."_

"Yes, you are." 

_"Not love me. Not want make love me."_

"Oh, Spirits, yes I do!" He stepped forwards to try to take her into his arms, but her own flailing arms knocked him back. She wasn't letting him near her. "Kathryn, there's nothing in the universe I want more than to make love to you! But listen to me, you're not well enough!" 

This stopped her in her tracks, she bolted upright and turned to look at him. The expression on her face was priceless. It read: I have never heard anything so utterly lamely stupid in my life. Hands on hips, totally naked, her disdain for his excuse was crystal clear. The absurdity of her gestures and the feebleness of his excuse hit him, and he burst out laughing. 

He felt guilty immediately at the flit of confusion that crossed her features. He reached for a towel and handed it to her. 

"Come inside, and we'll talk about this." 

She nodded, wrapping the towel around her shimmering lithe form, and Chakotay wondered how he had the strength to resist. 

She padded inside, and he followed, gathering his own towel as he did so. 

She stood uncertainly in the middle of the room, head hanging low in disappointment. She really could not wrap her brain around what was going on. They were married, weren't they? Why did he not want to make love to her? Why was he so appalled that she'd touched him? 

He studied her for a moment, his heart breaking for her, asking himself what he could do to make her understand. "Would you like to sit down?" 

She looked up at him sadly, but did not sit down. He wondered for a moment if she was struggling with some sense of shame or embarrassment about what she'd just done. She looked like a naughty schoolgirl, who'd just been found out. 

"Come here!" he told her. 

She hesitated, blinked and then stepped towards him. He took her into his arms. 

"Kathryn, first and foremost, I love and adore you. I don't want you doubting that for a second, do you hear me? Not for a second!" 

She nodded against his shoulder, and he felt a couple of tears wet his skin. He rubbed his hand soothingly on her back. 

"I need to know you are completely well before I…before we…" 

She pulled back and looked him straight in the eye. _"I am,"_ she mouthed. 

Chakotay thought about this for a moment. She had a point. She had regained a lot of her strength. "Physically, you are, Kathryn. You're doing just great. But emotionally maybe you're not quite well yet. I need to know I won't be pushing you into something you'll regret later." 

Kathryn's darted about in confusion, and her mouth moved wordlessly. She was totally unable to express the consternation she felt. 

"I know it sounds strange, and I know you're having difficulty with this. Try just to be a bit patient until you're ready." 

" _Am ready,"_ she insisited. 

"No, you're not. Well, maybe you think you are, but you don't understand everything. Kathryn, we've never done this before. We've never made love before." 

Her mouth dropped open in shock. 

"No, we haven't," he restated. 

_"Why?"_

"It's complicated." 

She gestured her fingers between the two of them. _"You, me, married?"_

"Yes. We are." 

_"Love?"_

"Yes. We do love each other. But…I'll try to explain. We had an argument. A bad argument." She looked at him blankly. It didn't register with her. "You don't remember, do you?" She shook her head slowly. "Well, we did. It was horrible, and I hope we never get that mad with each other ever again. We weren't even talking to each other. But," he said hastily, anxious to reassure her, "that's all in the past and we're back together now, and we're both very happy about that. We can build this marriage together now. And when we make love for the first time…and we will make love for the first time…I want it to be very special, my darling. Something we'll both remember. And I want to be absolutely sure it's what you want." 

Kathryn looked at him with a very curious expression on her face, some disbelief tempered with a sense of impatience with his stance. He kissed her on the forehead, thinking he had said as much as he dared. He was already in trepidation that he'd said enough to reawaken the past, but she was showing no sign of realisation. 

"You go and take a shower. Make yourself comfortable. I'll go and make a start on the meal." 

Reluctantly, she nodded and stepped towards the bedroom. In the doorway, she turned back. Her eyes were sad, uncomprehending. _"I want,"_ she mouthed. 

"Yes, I know you do, my darling. So do I. More than anything. Just be patient." 

He took the groceries into the kitchen, and started preparing for a meal, but his alert ears told him that the shower hadn't been activated. After a few minutes, he went to check on her. He stood in the doorway and what he saw broke his heart. 

She was sitting on the bed, her back towards him and the white towel still around her. Her shoulders were slumped in defeat, her head low in humiliation. She could not understand how two people could be married, could love each other so much, and yet never have made love. It did not make any sense. The only thing she could think was he didn't love her or simply didn't find her attractive, and she was spinning her wedding ring round in her confusion. 

Chakotay hesitated for ages. He couldn't bear to see her like this, so full of doubt, her confidence blown away. His body was aching to touch her, to show her just how much he loved her. It had been agony to live so physically close to the object of his desire, and to have to restrain himself from any truly intimate contact. At times, he'd hardly known where to find the strength to stop himself. However, this was the first time he'd had to overtly reject her advances. 

In some ways, it was all so simple, and he wondered finally if he was being unintentionally cruel. 

"Kathryn?" 

She turned towards him, and the misery in her eyes clawed at him. Instantly, it dawned on him that that was exactly how it was. She felt she had just been rejected. Rejected by the one person who had been winning her back to sanity, and it was a bitter blow. He knew with sudden clarity, that if he didn't do something about this now, he might lose her all over again. 

He stepped in front of her and knelt down bringing his face level with hers, hoping he would never come to regret taking this risk, that she would never come to hate him for it. He smiled gently, kissing her once on the lips. He lifted his right hand and pushed some strands of wet hair behind her ear. 

"You really want me to make love to you?" 

She nodded. 

"And you feel strong enough?" 

She nodded again. 

"Okay, then," he smiled back. "Let's do it." 

It took a few moments for the light to come back into her eyes and the smile to spread on her lips. 

He gave her shoulders a squeeze. "Right, hold that thought…while I go and put a halt to the meal. I'll fetch a towel and we'll dry your hair off a bit. Okay?" 

She nodded. 

He kissed her on the lips and stood up. "How does a glass of champagne sound?" 

She smiled her approval. 

"Good," he said, fleeing from the room. In truth, his body was already driving him to hurry. He sped to the kitchen to put a halt to the meal, and took a few deep breaths. He didn't want to rush this, but the way he was feeling right now it would all be over in seconds. He wanted this to be slow and memorable. He wanted to show her how much he loved her, and he was still anxious about her fragility. It wouldn't do to go back feeling so…loaded. 

He grabbed a bottle of champagne and two glasses, and sprinted back to bedroom. He was halted at the door by the scene in front of him. 

Kathryn had discarded the towel…it lay like a white sea beneath her. She reclined in glorious nakedness on the bed like some Aphrodite waiting for her lover. Her eyes were dark, intense, inviting him closer, challenging him even. Chakotay swallowed, as she parted her legs and dipped one finger between them suggestively. 

In nano-seconds the champagne had been dumped on the floor, and his own hand had closed over hers. He moved their hands in tandem for a few seconds, dipping deep into her moisture, rubbing lazily over her sensitive flesh several times, before lifting her hand to his mouth and sucking on her two fingers with relish. 

Then the dam burst. Slow and sensual was clearly going to be for their second coupling. She could take this, but he'd still make sure it was a night to remember. 

His shorts were off in seconds, and his body launched itself over hers. She laughed at his eagerness. 

He devoured her with his lips, like a man starved. Her mouth, her breasts, her belly, her vulva. She was rising into the fog of arousal as quickly as he, hurtling into the unknown with as much impatience and excitement as he. He could tell from the way her body thrashed about in response to his touch, by her eagerness to touch him back and by the moans and the sighs that accompanied her pleasure. 

He whispered he loved her, and he just had enough composure to test her carefully before entering her. Thankfully, she was ready, because he couldn't hold on any longer. 

He pushed his way into her greedy welcoming flesh. He grunted his delight, she groaned in pleasure, and just for a moment they stilled, savouring their first contact. She wrapped her legs around his back, allowing him control and deep penetration. He closed his eyes, savouring the press of her walls around his swollen shaft. She closed hers, revelling in the delicious stretch, the unfamiliar fullness, his weight bearing down on her. They were fully together at last. 

He swept one arm under her back, and lifted her slightly off the bed. He kissed her neck, a breast, then her neck again. Then he pulled out and pushed back in again. Once more. Harder. Deeper. And again and again and again. Sweet spirits, this felt amazing! He was inside Kathryn Janeway! And she was counter-thrusting with equal abandon. 

He felt her vaginal muscles ripple around him. She was close. He was closer. It was only going to take a few more thrusts. He was going to explode at any moment. She began to squeal, he joined in yelling. 

One more herculean thrust, and he was spilling himself euphorically inside her. One more, and she came too, hard and intense, as her muscles clenched powerfully around him. 

"Kathryn…oh…oh." 

"Cha…ko…tay." 

They stilled, and his head dropped beside hers in exhaustion. The energy they had expended in just a few seconds of frantic thrusting in an effort to be as deeply into each other and to create as much friction as possible had been enormous. 

Their chests heaved a few more times, then they both laughed. 

For a moment, he felt regretful that he hadn't managed to control himself better. He'd wanted slow and sensual. He'd wanted to show his adoration, to worship her body, but it had not been meant to be. But she didn't seem to be complaining, and he'd get it right next time. No she seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and it was pure bliss to just lie there still inside her. 

He blinked. 

"Kathryn? You spoke. You said my name! You did!" She looked at him a little dismayed for a moment. "You made sounds too. You groaned. No…you squealed!" 

She swallowed. "Yes," she said with difficulty. 

They smiled at each other. "You laughed too." 

"I did," she choked, struggling to get the words past her vocal chords. 

He kissed her firmly on the mouth. "Spirits, that was just amazing. You are amazing, do you know that?" 

She grinned and kissed him. 

"I love you," he told her. 

"Love you." 

He laughed, pushing the hair from her face. 

"Your hair's still wet." 

"Yours too." 

"Let's open that champagne. We're celebrating." 


	10. Chapter 10

The next few weeks flew by in a dizzy blur of euphoria. Their days were filled with joyous love making. Kathryn proved to be an enthusiastic and exiciting lover. In fact she was almost insatiable. He sometimes wondered just what he had unleashed. If she had been blossoming under his care before, she was positively flourishing now. She reminded him so much of the carefree happy woman she had been on Quarra, when she had lived for a while without her responsibilities. At the time, he had been somewhat jealous of Jaffen, the man she had moved in with after only a few days of knowing him, and, if he was honest, it was probably the moment when he'd finally accepted that he would never make love to Kathryn Janeway in anything other than his dreams. How much had changed since then! He could feel a smug sense of satisfaction here: he was quite convinced that Jaffen never could have had so much fun with her as he was having right now. But it worried him slightly to think that there might be another similarity. Jaffen had had her snatched away from him as her memories had been restored. Maybe that would happen to him. 

For the most part, Chakotay was able to lose his concerns for the future in the idyll of the present. He would wander around the house and his eyes would catch a little piece of paper covered in her scribblings…hiding under the cushion of a sofa, fluttering out of the door of the chiller on opening, weighed down with a small stone on the table on the verandah. Her quirky 'to do' lists still dotted the rooms, and he would pick them with a flutter of happiness. Top of the agenda invariably was: make love with Chakotay. Sometimes the suggestions were toe-curling in their provocative nature. Of course, he was eager to oblige. 

He tried to put pressure on her to use her voice though, which she was still reluctant to do. At first it was raspy with disuse, coming out awkwardly. She was only managing phrases, but soon they were coming thick and fast, sometimes strung disjointedly together. It was still difficult to have anything resembling a conversation with her, and at times she would get very frustrated and would take to scribbling her thoughts on paper again. The spelling had righted itself, and her writing was becoming more complex. She was taking an interest in current affairs again. Chakotay knew without a doubt that the intelligent woman underneath was resurfacing. Whether her personality would remain unaltered he could not know, nor her memory. The doctors had explained to him that she was blocking any bad memories, and there was no way of knowing whether that would change. 

Which was of course the one black cloud on his horizon. For him, the past days had been as near perfect as he could imagine, except that he couldn't quite dispel that niggle in the back of his mind that her memory would suddenly return and this would all be snatched away from him. 

What he'd had with Seven had been a poor imitation of what he now had with Kathryn. Kathryn quite simply eclipsed Seven in every way, even if he was still missing their long companionable conversations. He knew now his whole life, his whole happiness was centred around this wonderful, but wounded woman, and he prayed daily that it wouldn't be wrenched away from him. 

Maybe he only had ninety-percent of the woman he had fallen in love with, but he'd settle for that in a nano-second. He wanted her to feel whole and happy, but he didn't want to lose her. He would never ever tire of her, even this incomplete version of her. Even as he was unable to have anything other than a simple conversation with her, even as he missed the relaxed soul-searching discussions of the past, he could be content. She could never bore him in the way he now understood Seven and even Seska had done. 

* * *

  


"Doctor, I want to talk to you about something," Chakotay asked the EMH. They had taken to seeing Voyager's Doctor now for routine check-ups. Kathryn had just flown through the tests she had been given, and it seemed the medical profession was delighted with her progress. 

Chakotay sat her outside with a cup of coffee after they had finished, and came back into the examination room on his own. "Have you got a few minutes?" 

"Of course," said the EMH, without stopping fiddling with some Petri dishes. "I am equipped to multi-task." Chakotay seemed to hesitate. "Is something bothering you?" 

"Yes. I regret to say, the Admiral and I are having sexual relations. I don't want to do anything that's going to set her back… Is she well enough?" 

"You regret having sexual relations?" queried the surprised doctor. 

"Well, not exactly. I just want to know if it's okay." 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow and put down his experiment. "Physically she's strong enough… and I have to remind you that the act of intimacy is excellent physical exercise. It's perfect for getting her muscles toned again. Emotionally, you have to take the cue from her. I take it she is a willing participant?" 

"More than willing. In fact she initiated it." 

"Then I would take that as an excellent sign. If you're both enjoying yourselves, I don't see you have a problem." Chakotay still looked doubtful. "You are both enjoying it, are you?" the Doctor added, puzzled at Chakotay's expression. 

"Oh yes. In fact, I've never been so well entertained in the bedroom in my entire life." 

"Oh, she's being too demanding, is she? That's not surprising. She just needs the extra reassurance that you love her." 

"No, that's not it at all. Well okay, she is being very enthusiastic, but I'm just as eager to oblige. No, what's worrying me that she doesn't have the mental capacity to give her consent. I fear I'm taking advantage of her." 

The Doctor looked at Chakotay speculatively, beginning to get some measure of what was troubling him. "Let me assure you, there is plenty of mental capacity there. She may not be the Kathryn Janeway we're used to, but she's perfectly capable of expressing what she does and doesn't want, especially now she's managing a few phrases. Besides, you're married. There's not a court in the Alpha Quadrant that would convict you of assault, if, as it appears, she is engaging willingly in physical relations." 

Chakotay hung his head. "You don't understand. I'm not worried about any courts. I'm worried about what she's going to think of me when she regains all her faculties." 

"I can't believe you'll have a problem. Nothing is more natural than a man and his wife having intimate relations." 

"But we never did. Before, I mean." 

If it was possible for a hologram to express shock, the Doctor certainly exhibited it now. "Never had sex?" 

"No. She married me to give me Federation residency. And before she was captured, she wasn't even talking to me. I was stupidly dating Seven. We had a bitter estrangement, and she told me she didn't want to see me again." 

It all made sense now. "You were dating Seven?" 

"Yes," said Chakotay, ashamed. 

"Whilst married to the Admiral?" 

"Yes." 

The Doctor shook his head in disbelief. "Didn't you realise what you were doing to her?" 

"No. Don't tell me. I know I was an idiot." 

The Doctor harrumphed. He could well imagine how his former Captain had reacted to this. "Are you trying to tell me that you think she's forgotten your estrangement. That it's one of the bad memories she's blocking out?" 

"Yes. She seems to think we're happily married. In fact, it threw her into some confusion and panic, when I tried not to become physically involved. She simply couldn't understand my behaviour, but she'll kill me for taking advantage of her, when she comes to her senses." 

"I can see why you might consider you're taking advantage of her. You think she's allowing this, because she's not herself." 

"Yes. That's the gist of it." 

"Commander, you have to realise that she may never be what we call 'herself' again. She may never regain those memories. We have to deal with the Kathryn Janeway we've got at the moment. Don't get me wrong. I can't approve of your earlier behaviour. But I have observed over the years, particularly when one or other of you has been suffering, how much you care for each other. There's a deep underlying affection in both of you, and I think you should take comfort from that. I can't guarantee she won't be mad at you, if she ever regains her memory, but if we ever get to that point we should above all be glad to have got our Kathryn Janeway back. Never mind if she's hissing and spitting at you like a cobra." 

"I suppose so," Chakotay conceded. "But the memories she recovers will not be comfortable ones." 

"No, they will not. And it may be in her best interests for them to stay undisturbed. But what she needs now is your love and support, and it seems to me you're giving her that by the bucketful. So go away and just do what feels right for the here and now. See what she wants and take it from there. It's perfectly natural for two people with a deep affection for each other to express it physically. In fact, I'd say it's high time you two did so. And it's clear she's thriving on it, so try not to worry. In the meantime, I think you'd better bring her back in for me to check her contraceptive implant. Is she still outside?" 

"Yes," said Chakotay, a little alarmed. "Surely it was checked before she left hospital." 

"Her medical records suggest it was scanned when she was first admitted and was apparently in tact. But there's no doubt it could have been damaged by the treatment she received at the hands of the Cardassians. I think we should give it a more thorough exam. There may be something that was overlooked." 

Chakotay nodded, and wordlessly went out to fetch his wife. 

The puzzled patient was pulled back into the room and made to lie on the bio-bed. The Doctor scanned her several times, just to be certain. He took an inordinately long time about it. 

"Hmm," said the Doctor, stepping away from his patient. "Something was most definitely overlooked. I hope it's good news. Admiral, I am pleased to inform you, you are pregnant." 

Kathryn sat up suddenly, the shock filling her face. "Pregnant?" 

"Yes." 

"Really?" 

"Yes. A perfectly healthy and stable single foetus. Three weeks gestation." 

"How?" 

"By the usual means," said the Doctor, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure you two don't need me to explain the birds and the bees. Your contraceptive implant has failed, and, as I'm sure you know, your husband doesn't have one because his immune system cannot tolerate it." 

"Oh! Is healthy baby?" 

"Yes. One hundred percent normal for this stage." 

The delight washed over her face, and she turned to gaze at Chakotay. His own consternation was so apparent that her happiness fled instantly. 

"Chakotay…not happy?" she managed plaintively. 

His gaze met hers, and he knew he had to quickly pull himself together. 

He stepped towards her, anxious to reassure. Wrapping her in his arms and kissing the top of her head, he said, "Of course I am! This is the most wonderful, amazing thing! Of course, I'm happy." And he was. This was just the icing on the cake. The last few months had been the happiest of Chakotay's life. He felt he was touching paradise. If only he could get rid of that horrible niggle in the back of his mind: that she would wake up one morning and remember. Everything. 

If she ever did, he had no doubt his castle in the sky would come crashing down to earth. He wasn't sure she would ever forgive him. 

* * *

  


A few weeks passed, and life settled down at the lodge. Kathryn came on in leaps and bounds, her body now seemed to glow with health. The phrases began to string themselves together, and eventually merged themselves into whole sentences. The only downside to this was that she stopped leaving her charming little notes all over the house. She had put on a decent amount of weight, and went about her tasks with an almost permanent smile plastered on her face. She was blissfully happy, seemingly untroubled by anything. 

Gretchen visited regularly, and was unable to be anything other than delighted about the pregnancy, especially when she could see how happy Kathryn was. 

She talked to Chakotay at length about what would happen when the baby was born. She was quite satisfied that her daughter was capable of looking after the baby, observing that Kathryn was recovering well from the trauma, both physically and mentally. But she was reassured by Chakotay's obvious excitement and promise to stay by Kathryn's side for the rest of their lives. This time, she had to admit to believing him. But neither knew what Kathryn's reaction might be, if she recovered all her memories, and both knew that might cause problems. For the first time, Gretchen realised that it might not be in Kathryn's best interests for her to be reminded of the difficulties surrounding their early marriage. She found herself evading questions, she might otherwise have answered honestly, and Chakotay was grateful for the older woman's collaboration. It was the start of a thawing of relations between the two of them. 

Many of the crew came round now. They found it easier to visit now they could see the improvement in their former Captain and actually have a conversation with her. The only person Chakotay hoped would stay away was Seven. If she visited, it would surely trigger some unhappy memories. Fortunately, Seven was not eager to see either of them. 

The Immigration Department paid yet another visit, and finding Chakotay had not only nursed his wife through a severe illness but also got her pregnant, they finally gave up on their efforts to expose this as a sham marriage. It was a relief to finally shut the door on that particular thorn in his side. 

He quite often left her on her own now, mostly confident she was capable of looking after herself. She never liked him fussing over her. He would sometimes go to work for a few hours or glean some supplies. 

One early afternoon he entered the lodge, a little concerned as to her whereabouts. Searching, he couldn't find her anywhere indoors, but the giant doors onto the verandah were open and inviting. Had she gone into the garden? He hoped she hadn't gone far. He was always afraid she would get lost, lose her bearings, go on some mad escapade, fall into the lake… 

He tried to contact her but there was no reply, and he cursed the fact that she ignored his advice to keep her communicator with her. So he set off across the meadow towards the lake, where the cool breeze made him shiver despite the sunshine. The tall trees swayed untroubled by his disquiet, but somehow reassuring, as if they were watching over his wife. 

It took him about ten minutes to descend the slope and round the rocky outcrop to approach the water's edge. He saw her a little way further along on a grassy outcrop. She was lounging on a chair, with a book in her hand. Below her was spread a rug with a picnic basket. She soon caught the sound of his approach, and lifted her head to smile at him. 

"So here you are!" he said, stooping to kiss her. 

"Yes, so it seems." 

"I was worried," he began. "Couldn't find you anywhere. You should leave a note, take your comm. badge…" 

"Chakotay, stop fussing. I'm not stupid." 

He checked himself. Of course she wasn't stupid. She was just not her old self. 

"No, but I can't help it." 

"I know my way around, you know. I'm not going to get lost." 

"What are you reading?" he asked, changing the subject. 

She sighed, turning the book to show him the cover. "Dante's Inferno. Apparently this was a very special book. Mark gave it to me." 

"Do you remember?" 

She nodded in response, as he sat down on the rug. Then she shrugged in frustration. "But the words dance about. I can't make head nor tail of them. It's so dry, the words are fancy. I can't believe she liked this over some racy romance novel. She must have been some boring old crone." 

"I happened to love her very much. And she was about as far from a boring old crone as you could get." 

"She can't have been much fun!" 

"She was you!" he said, gently. 

Kathryn smiled, and adjusted herself in her chair and placed the book on the ground. "You miss her, don't you?" 

"I miss some things, yes. I miss our sparkling conversations into the small hours of the morning, when we could hardly bear to call an end to the evening. Existing on too little sleep…" 

"When we were on Voyager?" 

"Yes. I miss the fiery arguments, the playful teasing. Her intellect. Her zest for life. But she'll come back…she's in there somewhere. Just look at the great strides you've made over the last few weeks." He reached out and squeezed her hand. 

"And what if she never does? What if I'm never better? Can you live with that?" 

"Having as much of her as I have now is a great privilege. I'm thankful every moment of the day that I have you here with me now. We can be very happy just like this. I love you. It's that simple!" 

She smiled, and he pulled her down next to him on the rug. He kissed her softly on the lips. 

"That simple, eh?" 

"Yes," he said, kissing her again. 

"Are you hungry?" 

"Perhaps. Depends what you've got in there." 

She opened the lid and started pulling things out. "Some wine," she said handing him a bottle followed by two glasses. "Bread, cheese, salad, fruit…and I made some pasta parmigiana and a spinach quiche…" 

"You made some pasta parmigiana?" he asked querulously. 

"Yes." 

"And spinach quiche?" he said, opening the lid on the bowl of pasta and sniffing it with pleasant surprise. 

"Yes. You sound surprised." 

"It's just that you never cooked…Well, not if you could avoid it. Actually…" 

"Actually, I was a lousy cook. Well, I gave this a bit more of my attention." She turned around to cut the quiche. It looked surprisingly appetising. This certainly was a change of personality, in truth, something of an improvement. 

"I'll say you did," he said, digging into the pasta with a fork and enjoying his first mouthful. "You used to burn everything." 

She handed him a slice of quiche on a plate. "Try this," she told him, confidently. 

They feasted on the picnic, every part of it, and finally Chakotay put his plate away with a satisfied sigh. "I've got to hand it to you. That was delicious. A few more bumps on the head and you could give Neelix a run for his money…" 

She bashed him on the leg in insult. "I go to all this trouble, and all you can do is insult me?" 

He leaned forward with a smile, gazing into her sparkling blue eyes. "I was teasing. Can't you tell?" 

"Hmmf!" 

"Neelix may have been a tolerable cook, but you win hands down in the charm department." 

"Oh yeah?" 

"Yes," he said, kissing her softly and raising one hand to twist into her hair. "You are a thousand times more pleasing on the eye, my darling. And I never ever wanted to do this to Neelix." He kissed her again. 

"Thank G-d for that," she commented, cringing at the image it conjured up. 

He kissed her again, gently pressuring her to the ground, till she lay flat on the rug. He loomed over her now, hungry now for something entirely different. She smiled back, responding to the darkening of his eyes. 

He pushed his hands into her hair, leaning awkwardly on both elbows. "Spirits, how I love you. I love the silken sheen in your hair. I love to lose myself in the ocean of your blue eyes. I love to kiss these gorgeous soft lips." With a sigh, he kissed her again, fully on those very soft and succulent lips, drawing her lower lip into his mouth for a few seconds before pulling away. They smiled at each other. "And your neck," he added, sending a line of kisses along the underside of a jaw and revelling in the early moans of her arousal. 

He twisted himself to the side, and slowly undid the buttons of her blouse, pushing it apart and opening her pale flesh to the air. He yanked her bra out of the way, and paused for a moment to admire the view. 

Kathryn lay there enjoying his scrutiny, her chest heaving with anticipation. He reached one hand to caress the curves of her breast, tracing the contours fondly. He wondered if it was his imagination that her pregnancy had made them a little fuller, a little more sensitive. The nipples were already hardening under his gaze, aching to be touched. It was all very intriguing. 

"I love the pale creamy swirl of your breasts, the soft feel of your skin under my fingers. You're so beautiful, Kathryn. So, so beautiful!" 

Kathryn closed her eyes momentarily, almost amazed at his admiration. 

He bent down and nibbled on a nipple. He teased and swirled it into an even harder turgid peak with his tongue. "And the way your nipples respond when I do this, it's so erotic." He switched to the other one, to ensure it was just as hard and eager, then his lips chased down to the plane of her belly, causing it to ripple. The belly button soon got his attention, and she quivered at the ticklish assault. She laughed at this. 

"Don't laugh!" he admonished. "I'm trying to be serious here!" 

"Can't help it. That tickles!" 

"Does it now?" he asked, enthralled. "I must file that away for future investigation!" 

His lips tickled her belly again, and, whilst she wriggled, he loosened the fastenings on her skirt and pushed her it off her body, sending the panties straight after. She lay there now, almost naked. Ethereally beautiful. Chakotay had never felt more in love with her than he did at that moment. How was that possible? He'd always thought he was immersed as any man could possibly be. How could this overwhelming emotion have snared him so completely and yet still seem to pull him deeper? 

He leaned in to resume his course, kissing her yet again with such sweet torture below her navel. His hand caressed the gentle rise of her abdomen. He knew now that he could feel a slight swell there and he marvelled at the miracle happening just beneath his fingers. He placed one loving kiss half way between her navel and her pubis. Kathryn's hands buried themselves in his hair. It was the only part of him she could reach. 

Then his fingers slid lower. "I love the way your legs open for me at the slightest hint of my attention. The way you welcome me between them. I love the sweet feminine scent that hits my senses and tells me that your body is preparing for mine. Your unique essence, Kathryn, is for me alone." 

As if on cue, her legs spread open. His fingers slid into her curls. "I love the sheen on your hair," he said, investigating it fully. "It tells me how wet you are for me…how much you desire me." 

And then two fingers entered her, and he began to play on her with the talent of a master. Immediately, she gasped and began to writhe under the delicious assault. Chakotay grinned at the way her body was already thrumming with excitement. He looked up at her with a wicked twinkle in his eye. "And I love the way you fall to pieces when I caress your sex. How you turn to jelly in my hands. How you shatter around me when you come." 

Soon he had worked her into a near frenzy. He paused for a moment and leaned on one arm, to open his trousers and free himself. "Joining with you is the most satisfying, exhilarating experience of my life, my love." He aligned his body with hers, teasing at her entrance with the tip of his hardness. He brought his face back to hers, staring for long moments deep into her eyes and kissing her gently one more time. "Care to join with me?" 

"Oh yes! Yes, please!" she breathed. "Hurry!" 

"So eager! So impatient! We'd best not keep a lady waiting!" 

She was so ready, he was so painfully hard, that he slipped into the tight resistance of her channel with just a slight change of angle. Words suddenly became superfluous. Moans and shrieks of joy were all that were needed to punctuate the powerful, energetic thrust and counter-thrust of two engorged and highly aroused bodies. He pumped furiously into her, and she parried it enthusiastically, widening her legs to take him deeper. Tongues duelled with equal ferocity. It did not take long for the wall of orgasm to slam into them. Hard, furious, together. 

Life was idyllic. They spent hours making love, and then they would lie together naked with her head on his chest and they'd talk for hours, about anything and everything. They'd laugh and they'd remember. He'd hold her in his arms, and then they'd make love again. This was so much better than their conversations of old. For one, they were naked, and for two, they didn't have to part when it got impossibly late. They could make love all over again and fall asleep in each other's arms. 

But then the nightmares began. 


	11. Chapter 11

At first, she just whimpered in her sleep, but soon she would wake in a sweat, staring with panic through the darkness at some invisible spectre. As Chakotay gently probed her, she described faces staring down at her. She was strapped to a table. She couldn't move, and there was pain, terrible pain. Eventually, the faces took on a more distinct form and she was able to describe their features. It was no surprise that the features were Cardassian. Even though she could recall that she had been a prisoner of the Cardassians a long time ago, Chakotay knew without a doubt that more recent memories were resurfacing. And if they were, then the moment of truth was not far away. 

If it had just happened once or twice, Chakotay might have been tempted to let it go. He in no way wanted her digging through the past. That would be to open a can of worms. But the night terrors became more vivid and more disturbing, and so he persuaded her to go to see her assigned counsellor. He knew he'd be out of his depth if he brought her ordeal into the open on his own. 

When she went to her counsellor, she was gone all day, and he agonised every minute of it. He'd wanted to go with her, but she'd insisted he wasn't needed. She'd been gone so long, he knew they must be digging deep. He feared she would come back knowing what a selfish unfeeling cad he'd been a year ago. He couldn't bear the thought of losing what they now had. 

When she came back, she was looking thoughtful, and he was anxious to hear what had transpired. However, he let her take the lead. "Chakotay, can we talk?" she asked him. 

They went into the lounge of the lodge, and stood by the large doors to the verandah, opening them to let in some of the cool breeze. They stood side by side, admiring the view in silence for some time before she spoke again. 

"I was tortured by the Cardassians. That's why I was so ill, wasn't I?" 

"Yes," he said gently. "Do you remember any of it?" 

"Not much. The table. The faces. The pain. All the things in my nightmare. Nothing of the end. They say I was mercifully unconscious by then." 

"You were." 

"Chakotay, they told me you came to rescue me. Is that true?" 

"Yes." 

"You risked your own life to get me back?" 

"Yes," he answered simply. 

"Can you tell me about it? 

He looked at her uncertainly. This was painful territory. "Are you sure?" 

"Yes." 

So he told her how he'd pushed Admiral Collins into letting him go in with the assault team. How they'd missed them at the first target. How they'd stormed the second target and found the first eleven hostages starving, but unharmed. How he'd panicked when she wasn't there. How they'd stormed the second building and Gul Toveshk had held a phaser to her head. How he'd picked her up from the floor limp as a rag doll, as Toveshk lay dying. 

Kathryn nodded at all this. "The only thing I remember is looking up and seeing your face…knowing it was someone I could trust, not a Cardassian, and thinking it was alright. I was safe." 

"You are safe now," he said, itching to take her in his arms and just hold her. 

"You put your life on the line to get me out of there." 

"I suppose I did." 

"Ironic really, given that you only married me to avoid being thrown to the Cardassians," she postulated. 

Then she gasped. Her eyes widened in realisation. Their marriage was a sham! The horror struck her face and she seemed to reel backwards. 

"You never loved me! You never loved me!" 

Chakotay's stomach flipped. The moment he'd been dreading had hit him like a gut punch. "Kathryn, I did. I always loved you. I know I was stupid…" 

"It was all a sham… the wedding was a sham. You loved Seven." 

"No, I never loved Seven. Not like this." 

"You did. You were going to divorce me and marry her. I remember. I remember it all." 

He lunged forward and grabbed both her shoulders, turning her to face him. "Kathryn, listen to me. _This is no sham_. Everything's changed now. Those first few months may have been a sham, but they're gone forever. What we have now is very real! This is the truth. I love you. Seven means nothing to me anymore. What I once felt for her is insignificant compared to what I feel for you now. You're my wife. You're going to have my baby. And nothing could be more real, more perfect than that. We are going to be a family." She looked at him doubtfully. "Do you think I would have gone into that hell-hole to get you out, if I hadn't loved you more than life itself? 

I know I have some apologising to do for the way I treated you. I was an idiot. I couldn't see past my juvenile attraction to Seven, and I had no idea you felt anything for me. I know it's no excuse, but, if you'd just told me how you felt, just given me a clue…." 

"There were plenty of clues, Chakotay. You should have seen," she retorted, stepping determinedly out of his grasp. She was calmer now, but that was, if anything, more difficult to deal with. The wheels of her mind were starting to turn, cool and calculating in true Janeway fashion. 

"Yes, I should have seen. But I didn't, and if I could change things I would. If I could turn back the clock and ask you to marry me again, I'd give you a very different reason for it. I loved you from almost the instant we met. It's been there all along." 

"But you dated her! We were married, and you still dated her!" 

"I know," he lamented. "I'm so sorry." 

"You had sex with her in my house!" 

"I know, and I can't begin to atone for it. I can only tell you that it was nothing like as wonderful as sleeping with you." 

"Why Seven? Of all people, why Seven?" 

"I was flattered, I suppose. I was on some ridiculous ego-trip." 

"Ridiculous being the operative word." 

"She's history now." 

"Is she? Aren't there half a dozen Sevens waiting in the wings to take their turn?" 

"You know there aren't. Don't make me out to be a womanizer." 

"Chakotay, I'd rather you handed me back to the Cardassians than put me through the pain that I felt watching you and Seven all over again." 

His face fell. "That's unfair. You know I'd never put you through that again." 

"Do I?" 

"Of course, you do. We've been friends for too long. I'd rather _I_ was thrown back to the Cardassians than put you through all that misery." 

She looked doubtful. "If I recall, it was your resistance to going anywhere near Cardassia that started all this." 

"Yes, but I think I've proven that you mean more to me than that. If the last eight months mean anything, Kathryn, then you'll know I'm totally sincere. I want a permanent relationship. All I need is the right woman to settle down with." 

"The trouble is, Chakotay, that I can't be sure that woman is me." 

"Oh yes you can. We are incredible together. Did you hear any of the things I said to you, while you were semi-conscious?" 

"I heard every word." 

"Then you must know how much I love you. And every time I make love to you, you must know how much I worship your body. If I live to be a hundred and fifty, I will never meet your equal! Kathryn, don't deny the seven years of companionship that meant so much to both of us. We've had the most incredible friendship. And don't deny these last weeks of unsurpassable physical intimacy. You have to admit the sex has been pretty amazing, hasn't it?" There was enough of a smile flitting on Kathryn's lips to show she agreed with that comment. "We've had the most satisfying, stimulating communion that two people can have together. I've never felt more alive, nor more in love than I've felt since I brought you home. Put those two things together, the friendship and the sex, and we'll have something that most people only ever dream of, Kathryn. 

All I'm asking is that you don't be as blind to my love for you now, as I was to yours when we were first married. I was stupid…infatuated. Don't let your anger make you just as blind. Don't throw this away over some stupid misunderstanding, just out of sheer stubbornness or hurt pride. Don't spoil something so beautiful. Stay with me, my love. Let's make this incredible marriage even better!" 

She was hesitating. He was such an expert reader of her body language, he just knew she was wavering, her resistance weakening. Suddenly the chance that had not been there in the caves of Vulcan was there for the taking. 

She dropped her gaze to her hand, fingering the ring indecisively, wondering whether to take it off and throw it at him, or throw her arms around him instead. 

He stepped forward and closed his hands around hers. 

"It's exactly where it belongs!" he said, referring to the ring. 

There was an imperceptible nod of her head, then a sniff. Then her head fell into his shoulder and she sobbed. 

He held her shaking body for a long time, wrapping his arms around her and placing kisses in her hair. He whispered his love and reassurance while she calmed. 

"Why did you go to Dorvan? I couldn't figure out why you'd gone." 

"I don't know if I'm entirely sure. Maybe I was curious. I wanted to see where you'd grown up. I knew you'd never in a million years guess that's where I'd go. And I suppose I wanted to see if the Cardassian threat was as terrible as you feared." 

"I guess you found out." 

"Unfortunately, I did." 

"I blamed myself. You would never have gone to Dorvan, if I hadn't driven you there. And the Cardassians wouldn't have given you a second look, if you hadn't been married to me…" 

"Don't be so sure. I've been their guest before." 

"Even so, I put you in greater danger." 

"I put myself in danger. I chose to go to Dorvan. Don't you dare blame yourself for Cardassian ruthlessness. What happened in that bunker wasn't your fault." 

"You'd never have been there, if we hadn't fallen out." 

"Maybe not." 

"Believe me, I've paid for this over and over. It was agony while you were missing…worse to have to watch you struggle to find your way back to health. You don't know how many times I wished it had been me." 

"We can't change what happened, and I may be tormented by the memories for the rest of my life. The counsellor told me I need to find a way to tuck them in a box and push them aside, so they don't ruin the rest of my life….but I have to do it consciously this time. I have to face them first, and then make a decision to reject any claim they may have on my future happiness. Maybe you have to do the same." 

"Maybe I do. It's not easy." 

"No, it's not." 

"You met Sekaya?" 

"Yes. She told me all about your family, your childhood. She asked me if I loved you. I told her I did. She told me that you thought I was your one chance for true happiness and that you called me the love of your life." 

"I do." 

Kathryn nodded, which he took to be a good sign. "She told me that, if you said that, you meant it. Her brother is an honourable, steadfast man. You would never say anything that momentous, without meaning it. I knew she was right." 

"Kathryn Janeway, were you already wavering…all those months ago? Were you already thinking that maybe you shouldn't toss me away like a used coffee cup?" 

"Maybe. I don't know. I never had a chance to think it through." 

"No. But you can think it through now. You are the love of my life. You are my one chance of true happiness. Is there any part of you that feels the same way?" 

She lifted her eyes to him. "You know I feel the same." 

"So, can we put all this pain behind us?" 

She nodded. "I think so. I know a good thing when I've got it. I am not the same angry woman I was on Vulcan." 

"Good, I don't think I liked her very much. And I don't think I could spend the rest of my life with her," he confessed. 

"Don't get me wrong. I'm still mad as hell at you! But not stupid enough to throw this away because of it." 

"Mad as hell, I can deal with!" he said, pulling her closer. He nuzzled her ear. "From the day we met, I've enjoyed a challenge with you. I've learned a few tricks to soften you up along the way! And I have a few more weapons in my armoury these days!" 

"Do you now?" 

"Yes," he whispered, before pulling her into a long, life-affirming kiss. "Kathryn, I'm sorry if you think I took advantage of you….when we made love, I mean. I know you wouldn't have been so eager, if you'd had all your memories. I never wanted you to do anything you'd regret later." Chakotay decided it was best to clear up all the uncertainties in one fell swoop. 

"You think I regret it?" 

"Do you?" 

"No," she said, rubbing her swollen belly. "Not for a second. If I remember rightly, you played a little hard to get." 

"You remember? You remember our first time together?" he asked eagerly. 

"Of course, every moment. I hadn't lost all capacity to think." Chakotay was very relieved at this. He didn't want some of those special moments lost in the fog of her illness. 

"Was it as good for you as it felt to me?" 

"It was wonderful. Every time is wonderful." 

"Thank the spirits. I worried that you'd think I'd pushed you into something you wouldn't otherwise have wanted to do." 

"I did want to do it. And, Chakotay, even I know that I am very difficult to refuse when I'm determined to have my way…that's why they considered me for command." 

"Well, you're welcome to get your wicked way with me any time you like…" 

"B'Elanna said I should have demanded sexual favours as payment for giving up my freedom for you," she said, with a sly grin. 

"Interesting suggestion!" 

"I thought so. I wish I'd thought of it at the time." 

"Believe me, so do I. It would have been rather entertaining and saved a whole heap of trouble." 

He kissed her gently. "It's not too late. You could still put a claim in." 

"Could I?" 

"Yes. Any sexual favours you like. I'll pay up in full." 

"Well, I'll just have to get started on my checklist," she muttered, and this time she initiated a long and probing kiss. 

"You know," he said eventually, "We never had a proper wedding. We could do it all again. The party, the guests, the ceremony…whatever you want. Even invite your mother this time." 

"We can't get married again…" 

"We could renew our vows. Make it real." 

She thought about this for a moment. The idea clearly had some appeal. "Could we?" 

"Absolutely. You deserve it. Something very special." She nodded against his chest. "Now that I think about it, you never had a proper proposal either." 

She stepped back. "No I didn't." 

He grinned. 

She grinned. 

He took her hand, determined to make this memorable. "Okay, let's try this…Kathryn Janeway, I love you from the very depths of my soul. I love you more than you could ever imagine." Kathryn blinked, vaguely uncomfortable. "I love your stubbornness, your vitality…your smile…your compassion." She had the grace to smile at this. "I love the sheen on your silken hair." He reached up with his free hand to run his fingers through a few strands. "The ocean blue of your eyes, the smooth silk of your skin." He caressed her face, rubbing a thumb across her cheekbone. "The taste of your lips." He kissed her once. "I love the way you sigh with delight when I kiss you just beneath the ear." 

"Do I?" 

"Yes, you do." He kissed her on the very spot and she did indeed sigh. His gaze dropped lower. 

One finger traced the contours of a breast, even though it was hidden by her blouse. "I love the creamy smooth curve of your breasts. I love to kiss them, honour them. I love to run my tongue slowly across them. And as for these," he said, pinching one peak through the material of her blouse, "I love rolling them on my tongue, teasing them. I love persuading them to stand proud! An adorable part of you, erotic, perfect! The pips that mark you as a woman and a lover. One day, if we are truly blessed, a mother." 

His hand drifted lower, and Kathryn's eyes were wide with surprise. This wasn't quite the proposal she was expecting. He spread his fingers over the swell of her abdomen. "I love the miracle that's happening in here. I want to raise our baby with you. Give it all the love we have to spare. Build our family together." 

He drifted lower and his hand came to rest on the junction of her thighs. Giving one gentle squeeze inwards, he rested his fingers on her pubis. "I love the way you welcome me here. The way your body responds to my touch. The scent of your readiness. Your enthusiasm. Your spontaneity. Your appetite. I love exploring your secret places. I love the way your body turns to jelly in my hands. I love the sweet sensation of burying myself inside you. I love the way you shatter around me, when you climax. I love how it's my name on your lips when you fall apart in my arms. I love pumping you hard and filling you with my seed. I love lying with you afterwards, still inside you, so close you can hardly tell where one of us ends and the other starts…our flesh joined. Kathryn, this is to feel truly alive. This is to touch paradise together." 

He paused and gave a sigh of longing, but taking this further would have to wait for a moment. He straightened his back and clamped both hands on her shoulders again. He looked deeply into her eyes. They were dark, intent, misty with the first wisps of arousal, a little surprised, although she had resigned herself to hearing him out now. And, as always, deeply mysterious. 

"There is not a square inch of you that I am not deeply in love with," he continued. "I needed you to know this, because I've come to realise that your perception of how desirable you are, how attracted I am to you, took a lot of damage when I stupidly flaunted Seven in front of you." Her eyes glistened with recalled hurt as if to confirm his words, and he cupped his hands round her face lovingly, running his thumbs across her eyelids, chasing the moisture away. "I'm right, aren't I?" 

She nodded, trying to tamp down the emotions welling up within her. 

"You are and always will be incredibly attractive to me. I don't want you ever to doubt that again. I'm going to want to make love to you until we're old and incapable. I don't need to tell you how much I've always valued your companionship, how I love just sitting and communing with you, how I would seek out your company above anyone else's ever since I met you. That wasn't just the necessity of command, it was because you were my friend and my peace. You know these things already, and I always believed that I was those same things to you. Losing our ability to converse made me realise how precious it was. I'm so thrilled that we've been given it back. I love our long sparkling conversations. Our laughter. I love our teasing, our lively debating…even our arguing. I love sitting up into the small hours of the morning, talking and holding you in my arms until we fall asleep or make love all over again. There's not a moment when we're apart when I don't long to be with you. 

This relationship is not something to let slip away. It's something to be cherished and cultivated. This marriage should have the honour and recognition it deserves. 

So, Kathryn Janeway, will you marry me all over again? And this time, can it be because we love each other?" 

There was a long pause, as she finally digested that he'd finished his adulatory monologue. She swallowed. "Heaven help me, if my mother asks for a blow by blow account of the proposal…" 

"There are some things a girl does not have to tell her mother," he suggested gently. 

"True." 

"However, that wasn't quite the answer I was looking for." 

"Wasn't it?" A vague smile hovered on her lips. Still she said nothing, but instead pulled him closer, her hands reaching into his hair, and her lips rising towards his. There are sometimes better and more interesting ways of expressing yourself than by using words. 


End file.
